Hackney’s Finest

Hackney's Finest

Heroin junkies are not the most energetic members of society. They’re also fairly peaceful individuals on account of their preference for self-marinating in their own bodily fluids, reflecting on the beauty of the cosmos and revelling in the physical delight in the pubic hair of angels tickling their internal organs to almost any other activity. Ask your average heroin addict to come on a killing spree and you’ll be very lucky to get a response.

At least that’s what I thought until I saw Hackney’s Finest, where everyone takes heroin and it has no impact on their ability to hold down a 9/5 job, run a drug dealing business, acquire and operate military grade weapons and do a lot of fucking swearing.

Other than that little glitch, the story makes complete sense. So you’ve got this policeman and he’s really bad and evil. He’s got it in for a small-time, fairly innocuous drugs courier called Sirus, who is also a highly functioning heroin addict. Why this policeman is going after Sirus with the ferocity of a rabid hellhound is never made clear, but he hates him so hard that he’s gone rogue. He wants him dead by the end of the night and he’s enlisted some Russians with a massive machine gun and a van to help him. The Russians are all on heroin too, because why not?

This policeman is really bad and we know he’s really bad because he’s totally politically incorrect, kind of the point of Tourette’s Syndrome. He cannot look at someone who isn’t white without tossing out a racial slur. Of course, he gets his comeuppance when he calls someone a wog to their face and they punch him. And then they put some heroin on his face. They do. I don’t know why. Obviously, they’d been taking heroin too and that can give you funny notions so maybe that had something to do with it. I really…I just don’t know.

Anyway, Sirus and his mates – two Welsh-Jamaican drug dealers and his pal who works in the drug importation business with his uncle and his cousin – decide to take the cops and the Russians on (after taking some heroin) and there’s all kinds of blood and gore and explosions and shooting things and some more cunting bollocks swearing and some more heroin and then they WIN at all of that and then it’s over and life is hollow and pleasure inevitably turns to ash.

Go home, Hackney’s Finest, you’re drunk. You got drunk while you were on the Netflix binge to end all Netflix binges, and not only have you managed to convince yourself that Trainspotting, Rambo, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Hunt for Red October are all the same film, but now you’ve wandered out in the street and are failing desperately to explain the plot to bewildered onlookers and making a damn fool of yourself. No one understands a fucking word you’re saying, you anti-social nuisance. Look at your life, Hackney’s Finest, look at your choices. Get yourself a cab, get into bed and do yourself a favour and take some heroin; it does wonders for your intellectual acumen, apparently.

Hackney’s Finest is in cinems on April 3