18 Lines That Would Have Dramatically Changed The Harry Potter Franchise…

1. Dumbledore: “I’ll tell you one thing Headmaster Dippet, that lad who lives at the orphanage may well be a wizard, but he also appears to be a remorseless little sh*t who tortures people and speaks to snakes. For all we know he could turn out to be the darkest wizard of all time. Maybe we shouldn’t train him up? Just a thought..”

2. Voldemort: “Actually scratch that plan Wormtail. Instead of turning the most sought after relics in the wizarding world into Horcruxes, I’m just going to use some indistinguishable and inconspicuous muggle junk. I could use a stone and throw it in the ocean? Hell, I could even use an old tin can and leave it on a landfill site. I’d like to see Albus and his bastard hat sort their way through that!”

3. Ron Weasley: “Bloody hell I’m not sitting in speccy’s carriage! He looks like a right geek..”

4. McGonagall: “What the hell are you talking about Albus?! Who gives a knut what Barty Crouch says! This Goblet of Fire malarkey is clearly one of Voldemort’s schemes to do Potter in! And you’re just going to sit around while the lad fights dragons, grindylows and God knows what else?! It’s not like he hasn’t got enough on his plate right now anyway! I mean he’s only carrying the fate of the wizarding world on his shoulders!!”

5. Alcohol Licensing Officer: “Madam Rosmerta, I’m arresting you on suspicion of serving alcohol to minors. Potter was chugging Butter Beer in here the other day and we’re pretty sure we saw Lee Jordan and the Weasley twins doing Gillyweed bong hits in your smoking section this lunch-time…”

6. Professor Slughorn: “Get the hell out of my office Riddle! And what the hell is going on with your nose these days!?”

7. Sirius Black: “The Dark Lord is after James and Lily?! Shit! He’s bound to realise that I’m their secret keeper, I’d better give the enchantment to someone else. Where the bloody hell is Dumbledore when you need him!? I can’t tell Wormtail, even as rats go, he’s pretty unreliable..”

8. Hermione Granger: “Sirius dead?! Voldemort resurrected?! Dumbledore murdered?! Pass me that bloody time-turner…”

9. Dumbledore: “I know you’ve got Quidditch Potter, but there’s a bloody great Basilisk wandering around the castle murdering half-bloods! The governers will have my ass if anymore of you little twats get eaten…”

10. Sybil Trelewney: “Actually Dolores, I think you’ll find that under Rule 17, sub-section 5 of the Hogwarts Teacher contract, you need to issue a written warning before you even begin dismissal proceedings. And while we’re on the subject, I’m seriously considering filing a grievance for harassment in the work place…”

11. Dumbledore: “I’ll tell you what Harry, why don’t you just have this year off? Seeing as I’m the most powerful wizard in the known universe, I’ll sort Voldemort and his bloody snake out. I’ve got an unbeatable wand so it shouldn’t take me too long..”

12. Voldemort: “What do you mean house elfs can apparate in and out of Hogwarts!? This changes everything…”

13. Lucious Malfoy: “Master, I’m sorry about that whole diary business. But maybe you should set up some sort of warning system that lets you know when any of these Horcrux things are destroyed? Now I think about it, why don’t you just booby-trap them so that they kill anyone who discovers them? It’s just good planning..”

14. Hermione: “What the hell is this fire stuff that destroys Horcruxes and why hasn’t it been mentioned before?”

15. Deatheater #8: “We’ve tried to kill Potter a million times with magic and it never seems to work, why don’t we just stab him to death? I mean, Draco broke his nose – that seemed to work just fine…”

16. Harry Potter: “Let him live?! What are you talking about Hermione? This little bastard sold my parents to Voldemort. Remus and Sirius are right, let’s Avada Kedavra the rodent prontus maximus..”

17. Lily Evans: “Sod off Potter, I’m shacking up with Severus. He’s got a tattoo..”

18. Rail Announcer: “This train from Manchester to London on the 12th of October 1990 will be running on time with absolutely no delays whatsoever…”

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