Break The Interview


If you missed The Interview, then there’s absolutely nothing to worry about, it’s probably not your thing. Unless your thing is improbable storylines, absurd ham acting and a fixation with all things rectal. In which case there’s an entire internet full of gay porn out there and you don’t have to pay to watch most of it.

The fuss about The Interview was far more entertaining than the actual movie. Outraged at being portrayed as an outrageous childlike moron, Kim Jong-Un promptly threw the mother of all hissy fits, stamped his tiny toes, threw all his jelly on the floor and cried and cried until his chubby little face was all pink and sore.

Then he definitely DID NOT order a cyberattack on Sony (he promised) but he did release some fantastic statements through intermediaries such as “Obama always goes reckless in words and deeds like a monkey in a tropical forest,” which makes approximately zero sense but is almost poetic for the North Korean foreign press team who have in the past formally complained that the president of South Korea was hairy, made fun of John Kerry’s chin and declared war by fax.

This was peak North Korea but instead of ignoring them or laughing like we normally do, people went nuts. This was partially owing to Sony’s decision to pull the film from release entirely which prompted a bout of frantic tutting as this suddenly became the matter of supreme importance. Rob Lowe compared Sony to Neville Chamberlain, David Cameron shook his head sadly and John McCain, born 1936, described it as “the greatest blow to free speech that I’ve seen in my lifetime probably”. Yeah, “probably”.

Sony then made an about turn, choosing to release the film immediately at select cinemas and on the internet. This manoeuvre resulted in all of the usual suspects getting completely over-excited and confusing this ridiculous series of pathetic episodes with an actual political event. The climax of all this involved grown men going to the cinema on Christmas Day, dressed as Uncle Sam, shouting about their inalienable first amendment right to watch Seth Rogen insert objects into his anus. God bless America.

Inevitably, Sony have made an absolute killing far exceeding their expectations and if it wasn’t for their bitchy mean girl email chains being exposed to the entire world, this has been an all-round fantastic result for them.

Given that Hollywood loves a formula, I’m super-excited to watch the inevitable replication of this box office sensation. All you need to do is target an essentially toothless political figure prone to prancing around and squealing, make fun of them and insert a couple of set pieces focussed around bodily functions.

ulster says yes, yes, oh god yes

And since I’m as happy to cash in on idiotic cultural trends as the next cynical parasite I’ve taken it upon myself to write my own screenplay. The working title is “Ulster Says YES To Sodomy”. It will feature Gerry Adams and Johnny ‘Mad Dog’ Adair as a pair of star-crossed autumn lovers reminiscing about Mad Dog’s cold nights in the Maze and enjoying everything the vibrant London swinger’s scene has to offer. With madcap consequences! The duo find themselves dogged by suspicion and the hilariously homophobic ranting of Ian Paisley Jr (Steve Carrell) who inexplicably has a chronic bowel disorder that results in him firing out streams of shit like a fire hydrant at regular intervals. With madcap consequences! The climax of the film will be a poignant moment where, through the force of love, tolerance and a massive slew of liquid human defecation the Peace Walls are brought down and everyone dances.

“Pointless, gratuitous, libellous and absolutely fucking terrible”, the reviews will say, “It’s a triumph for freedom of speech.”