Five Movie Products We Pray Never Get Invented

Where we’re going we may not need roads, but apparently, we do need shoes. This week Nike made every Back To The Future fan in the world collectively gasp as they unveiled their latest creation – four years ahead of schedule: The Nike MAG. You know, the super sleek, self-lacing, high tops Marty straps on during his brief visit to 2015 in Back To The Future Part 2. Take a look at the video below. If you call yourself a movie enthusiast and that doesn’t give you shivers, then you’re dead inside. Hear me? DEAD.

Nike have churned out 1500 pairs of these flashy McFly foot-huggers and are currently auctioning them off on Ebay with all proceeds going to the Michael J Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s disease research. However, despite living in an age of iPads and motion censor video games, apparently we’re yet to mastered the art of the self-lacing shoe. Unfortunately these 2011 replicas come without the iconic power-lacing technology, which in the movie required Fox to wear a battery pack and wires running up his leg. Not so cool now, is it?

And they don’t come cheap. Ebay auctions have reached as high as $37,000 (that’s almost £25,000), which is great for the Fox Foundation but not so great for us empty walleted fanboys. Which is kind of ironic seen as the target audience for these geek sneaks is arguably the very people who will never be able to afford them. Me? I resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never be able to afford a pair as soon as I heard they were being made. Instead, I focused on other movie products that I thought probably shouldn’t become a reality. So without further ado…

Light Sabers – The Star Wars Saga

My excitement at the thought of Light Saber’s being invented is matched only by my fear of Light Saber’s being invented. Imagine the scene: you’re walking back home through a dodgy alley when all of a sudden you see a group of hooded youths up ahead. Silence. Then out of nowhere that futuristic hum and a flash of red light (yes red, because chavs would have Sith sabers, duh). If they weren’t properly policed, Light Sabers have the potential to be terrifying, which is probably why they’re not currently on the market. A stick of white hot laser that can cut through anything but itself? Come on! What if some nobhead dropped one on the floor and cut a hole through the EARTH. Even those who use them for good would probably become lazy and end up using them to toast pop tarts without leaving the sofa. Naa, thanks George, but you can keep that one on the big screen.

Teleportation Pods – The Fly 1 + 2

Hypothetically, teleportation pods would come in quite handy. You want to be in New York? Boom! You’re in New York. Impromptu trip to Disneyland? Vroom! No problem! Want to pop down to KFC? Zapp! You’re inches away from chicken. However, if we’ve learnt anything from Seth Brundle’s encounters with inner-space travel it’s that the teleportation pros are highly outweighed by their cons. Getting your Zinger Tower Meal with the news that you’ve been genetically spliced with a fly and are now doomed to live out the rest of your presumably short and miserable life as a slowly decomposing sub-human, I imagine, would be quite the bummer. With that in mind, it would probably be much easier and less stressful to just drive, fly or walk. But not get the train. I’d rather risk genetic mutation than pay their overpriced and constantly rising fares. Honestly.

Neuralizer – Men in Black Trilogy

Now here’s an invention that would get ridiculously out of hand immediately. Every day you wake you should thank whatever God you believe in that they don’t exist yet. Actually, for all you know, they do exist and you keep falling victim to them. This pen like space-age gadget has the ability to wipe the mind of anyone it’s pointed at, all with the simple click of a button. And there in lies the danger. The Neuralizer’s user friendly simplicity means that it would be used by everyone and anyone to excess. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident. Imagine if a rogue chimp accidently got hold of one thinking it was some sort of shiny metallic banana and went on a rampage wiping the minds of everyone it came across until the Earth resembled nothing more than a giant creche for glassy eyed morons with short term memory loss. What? It could happen. And the scary thing is, we wouldn’t even remember it.

Dinosaurs – Jurassic Park Trilogy

If movies have taught us anything it’s that whatever crazy scientists create with ‘the best intentions’ will undoubtedly come back to bite us in the arse. Sure, resurrecting creatures from the past sounds good on paper but in reality, it’s asking for trouble. In the Jurassic Park movies we saw life ‘find a way’…quickly followed by genetically engineered dinos finding a way to stomp all over everything. Maybe some sort of dinosaur Big Brother would work. All you’d need to do is find a deserted island, fit it with some CCTV cameras then bake some dinosaurs to inhabit it. You could then observe these beasts from the past from the comfort of your own home. Still not convinced? How’s this: every month you could vote for one dinosaur to leave the island and be replaced by a H-list celebrity who then has to fend for themselves until next month’s vote. It would be like Britain’s Got Talent, or X Factor. Except good.

Skynet – The Terminator Franchise

This one could be the scariest would-be invention of all – purely because the way things are going, it could happen as soon as next week. Jim Cameron’s Terminator movies showed us a world where technology had become so advanced that it began to think for itself. Within minutes of becoming self-aware it saw humanity for what we really are – the population equivalent of that annoyingly loud person on a cramped train and decided it could do without us. The internet went evil, computers turned against us, toasters fought back and so dawned the age of machines. Earlier this week slick-tongued Guardian journo Charlier Brooker posted an article on a super computer in Illinois called Nauticus that can apparently predict future events by analyzing and collating all the internet’s data. Surely the robo-pocylpse is mere moments away. If your name is Sarah Connor, start to panic.

Read more of Simon’s musings at his blog ‘I Review Too’