When we sorted out an interview with Simon Brodkin, star of Lee Nelson’s Well Good Show, we thought we’d signed ourselves up for an insightful exchange with one of the BBC’s rising stars. As it turned out Simon Brodkin wasn’t available, so Lee Nelson himself stepped in at short notice. As you can imagine, the ensuing interview was a mixture of the Jeremy Kyle show, a Dizzee Rascal album and an episode of Saturday Night Stand-Up. But any man who thinks that “..If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together … then I’d cum on your tits!” is a good chat-up line is always worth talking to..
How do you respond when people call you a chav?
I don’t care what people call me. I get judged by people all the time, especially Judges. You can’t decide things about somebody by their clothes. Wearing a hood don’t you a bad person. I bet you ain’t afraid of that bird on the Scottish Widows’ advert. She ain’t bad. She’s nice. In fact she’s niiiice!! And she’s single innit, think about it.
How do you see yourself in 30 years time?
By then I hope to be a great, great, great, great Granddad.
How do you come up with your peer pressure challenges for Omelette?
I love Omlette, hes a fat legend, but its well funny watching him getting humiliated on telly. We done mud wrestling with two well strong birds and we had a dog lick cream off him while he was in his pants. The ideas usually come to me after 6 pints and a couple of bongs.
Did you have a nickname at school?
Nah, I wasn’t there long enough to get a nickname. I hated school; they were the worst 3 days of my life. I had that attention deficit thing so I used to start a lot of fights but hardly finish any of them.
What is the solution to broken Britain?
To take more glue! Nah, everyone should love each other. I respect everyone, even old people, I mean if you think we have it tough now, back in the day a Gillette only had one blade!
What’s your day job?
I work as a postman at the moment. Not a lot of money but I’m going to get some great presents at Christmas.
What was the first thing you ever stole?
Lucy Swale’s virginity. I was 11. Legend.
Would you ever contemplate moving abroad to Faliraki?
Yeh it’s a right laugh. I went there recently on a stag. Got super kaned. Met the boys at Gatwick airport, went straight to the bar there… I’ll be honest, that’s all I remember. But reading some of the tattoos I had done out there I had a well good time.
What got your Nan interested in a singing career?
She ain’t got a singing career; she’s proper rubbish at singing. I only got her on the show to make her feel better coz Granddad died recently. We took him to Alton Towers and it was all too much for him. He died on the Nemesis ride. Sounds bad but at least we got a photo of him just before he passed away. Well we would have but 12 quid?! Forget about it.
What’s your best chat up line?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together … then I’d cum on your tits.
What would you do if Omelette slept with your girlfriend?
I’d be gutted because unless she went on top she’d be dead. If she lived I’d be well chuffed for Omelette for finally breaking his duck!
Has an audience member ever reacted angrily to any of your jokes?
Course not. Everybody loves me. Though I did once get shot.
What do you plan to do with your new found fame?
I’m loving the money. Just bought myself a new 3D TV. Quality. Though I ain’t watching porn on it again – nearly took my eye out!
What do you think of David Cameron?
I don’t care about politics, though Cameron did do pretty well at the World Cup. I respected that Tony Blair coz I could relate to him – he had a problem with brown for 10 years.
If you met the Pope what would you ask him?
I’d ask whether it’s true what everyone says about him. Is the pope a catholic?