Dinner For Schmucks is hitting cinemas this weekend and the whole premise reminded us of the age-old “Invite 10 people from history…” game. Of course, said game nearly always leads to a massive argument about whether fictional characters are allowed to attend or not. Such squabbles were avoided in the OTB offices this week however, as we decided to do our own version of the time-honoured challenge, this time with movie characters. Which of course, led to a whole new set of arguments. Sure Darth Vader might be able to provide some interesting anecdotes involving his struggles to quell the rebellion, but would he help wash up? In the end we went for Forrest Gump, Bridget Jones, Jules Winnfield (of Pulp Fiction), Tyler Durden, Don Corleone, Elle Woods (Legally Blonde), Ace Ventura (Pet Detective), Borat, Travis Bickle and The Terminator. Unfortunately we couldn’t meet Hannibal Lector’s dietary requirements…
Bridget Jones: Jules, you’re a religious man aren’t you? Do you want to say grace?
Jules: To be honest, I only really know this one passage from the Bible, and it’s more for dramatic effect than anything else. I can say that if you like?
Bridget: OK.
[Jules clears his throat]
Jules: Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequalities of the selfish-
Tyler: -If I may interrupt, I think it’s important we establish some ground rules. First rule of tonight’s meal: You don’t talk about tonight’s meal. Second rule of tonight’s meal: You do not talk about tonight’s meal.
****
Elle: How do you maintain your afro?
Travis: You talkin’ to me?
Elle: No, I’m talking to Jules…obviously.
Jules: The f*ck?
Ace: I would expect he uses some kind of shampoo and conditioner combo?
Jules: What the f*ck do you know about shampoo?
[Ace sucks in a huge breathe of air]
Ace: The word shampoo in English is derived from the Hindi chāmpo, and dates to 1792. The Hindi word referred to head massage, usually with some form of hair oil. In the 1860s, soap began to be applied to hair. Shampoo is generally made by combining a surfactant, most often sodium lauryl sulfate and/or sodium laureth sulfate with a co-surfactant. Other essential ingredients include salt, a preservative and fragrance.
Tyler: You know with enough soap we could blow up pretty much anything…
Borat: -In my country, we make shampoo from gypsy tears. It makes my hair silky smooth and protects me from AIDS. High-five!
[Tyler leaves Borat hanging]
****
Bridget: Now for the main course. I hope everyone likes fish.
Don Vito: Fish? I wonder if he’s seen Luca Brasi.
[Travis turns his nose up at the fish]
Bridget: What’s the matter Travis?
Travis: I think someone should take this fish and just…just flush it down the fucking toilet.
Borat: This meal is chicken pause NOT!
Jules: You so motherfucking stupid!
Forrest: Stupid is as stupid does, Mr. Winnfield.
****
Borat: This meal tastes even worse than Azamat’s arsehole!
****
[Borat approaches Bridget]
Borat: Jak sie masz. My name-a Borat. What’s yours?
[Bridget to herself: Perhaps this is the mysterious Mr. Right I have been waiting for my whole life to meet.]
Bridget: Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs…
[Borat eyes up Bridget]
Borat: Very nice. How much?
****
Borat: What?
Jules: What country are you from?
Borat: What? What? Wh – ?
Jules: “What” ain’t no country I’ve ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Borat: What?
Jules: English, motherf*cker, do you speak it?
Borat: I like you, do you like me?
Jules: What?
Borat: You are my friend?
Jules: No motherf*cker.
Borat: You don’t want to be my boyfriend?
Jules: What?
Borat: Very nice.
[Forrest to himself: I don’t know who that nice young terrorist is, but Mr Winnfield likes to call him the F word A-Lot…]
****
[A bird flies through the open window and lands on Ace’s shoulder. He proceeds to regurgitate his chipolata into its mouth.]
Elle: That is disgusting!
Ace: Re-e-e-e-e-e-a-lly?
Tyler: Neither of you are beautiful and unique snowflakes..
[Everyone looks thoroughly puzzled]
****
Terminator: Where is the bathroom?
Bridget: Up the stairs, first door on your left.
[Terminator gets out of his chair and heads for the door]
Terminator: Don’t worry, I’ll be back.
****
Bridget: Anyone for some coffee and chocolates?
Forrest: You know, mama always said life was like a box of chocolates-
Borat: In my country, we use chocolates to lure the Jews.
