Top 10 Film Alien Invasions..

District9-3With Skyline hitting cinemas around the country today and Battle: Los Angeles releasing a brand new and very awesome trailer, we thought the time was right to bring you the best alien invasions in movie history. There some names on the list that you might not have seen coming and in topical fashion we have pitted the various extra-terrestrials against the hardest man in Britain and the death of Audley Harrison, David Haye…


10. Batteries Not Included

Not as much an invasion as an example of alien assimilation. A few tiny little flying machines from outer space buzz into a New York apartment block. They manage to save the apartments from demolition and renovate a café on the ground floor. Within weeks they have shares in the coffee shop and have given birth to some sprogs. Surely it’s only a matter of time before they move their extended family in and the residents start complaining..

Could they beat David Haye in a fight? No but they make a fantastic mochachino.

9. Cloverfield

The first person perspective gave us the feeling we were fighting an end of level baddie on a substandard platform game. It was King Kong but without the romance. However it had been a while since we had seen a massive monster smash up an American city. The problem was he didn’t have the deft touch of Godzilla or the sweet left foot of the Marshmallow Man.

Could they beat Haye in a fight? The beast was big but nowhere near as big as Nikolai Valuev.

8. District 9

I always agreed with the sentiments of Spitting Image’s song, “Never Met A Nice South African” until I watched District 9. It is the story of aliens who are herded into what is essentially a concentration camp in Johannesburg. The comparisons with the apartheid era are pretty obvious. For a low budget film, the special effects are fantastic and for a bunch of CGI characters, you really bond with them.

Could they beat David Haye in a fight? Give it a rest David can’t you see these mutants have had enough..

7. Predator

Not really an invasion, this one had more in common with an inter-gallactic bull-fight. Annoy some docile animal then slaughter it for entertainment. It was all going well for the Predator until that known alien fighting substance, mud, arrived on the scene and saved Arnie’s skin. The predator could make himself invisible and was able to see thermal images. He wasn’t much to look at, which might go some way to explaining why he had a penchant for disappearing. It wasn’t tactical folks…

Could he beat David Haye in a fight? Easily unless it was a mud wrestling contest.

6. Superman 2

Some could argue that a man wearing tight lycra and flying around Houston – on his lunch break from his reporters job – would be enough to constitute an alien invasion. However it took some of his old mates to turn up and cause havoc before the general population started to take notice. Having all the powers of Superman, General Zod and his two underlings force the President of the United States to surrender to him until a love-struck Clark Kent finally saves the day.

Could he beat David Haye in a fight? Superman might know shorthand, but David has an awesome right hook..

5. Signs

The only people who still believe in crop circles are racist, drunk, farmers and Mel Gibson. Back in 2002 the Aussie decided that Aliens rather than Jews were messing with his barley crops. The aliens – who were allergic to water – decided to communicate solely with farmers and doggers. In the end the kids from the estate erase them all with super soakers and condoms filled with water.

Could he beat David Haye in a fight? It would be even in the first round but the Gibson-botherers would have to throw the towel in after taking on water at the bell..

4. ET

The appearance of a three foot tall, brown smurf with a gammy finger is probably the weakest invasion since a lone monkey washed up on shore at Hartlepool (and was promptly hung for being a French spy – sadly a true story). It is hard to find anything wrong with ET, but a word of warning; would you leave a creature from outer space, who likes cross dressing, alone with your kid? I would hope not.

Could they beat David Haye in a fight? No but he would definitely beat Audley Harrison.

3. Transformers

Transformers; robots in disguise? They were until they were forced to dance in the new Black Eyed Peas video. After saving the earth, the Transformers went on Parky, Oprah and even Paul O ‘Grady’s show. But soon they had to make money opening a Tesco local in Swindon, yet Will-i-am took pity on them and the rest is history.

Could they beat David Haye in a fight? Unfortunately they are not allowed to fight humans, bottlers..

2. The X Files

This was essentially an anti-invasion film. While everyone else would rather aliens didn’t invade our already busy planet, these two morons lust for nothing else (well at least one of them did). If an alien did land on earth, Mulder would have mated, married and been to Ikea with it before the CIA even scrambled their goon-mobiles. In the film version they get close to finding aliens (as usual), Scully doubts Mulder then believes him and the sexual tension is notched all the way up to three. Unless Scully grew an extra breast and had antenna for feet, Mulder would never have been truly satisfied though.

Could David Haye beat them in a fight? Even Audley could chin Mulder.

1. Cocoon

With our buckling health service, reliance on inheritance to survive and shrinking pension pot, this is the sickest invasion yet; Aliens who have the audacity to come down to earth and help old people. They have had a good innings, there’s a teenage cancer ward around the corner, maybe they should try there. Even worse than keeping these wrinklies alive, they encouraged them to have sex again. This one should have been an 18.

Could David Haye beat them in a fight? Sadly no, he would be KO’ed by 94 year-old Nancy in the second round.