We bet you’re wondering what Red stands for weren’t you? No? Well we’ll tell you anyway, it stands for “Retired Extremely Dangerous”. If you’re also wondering what the best and worst films to have a colour in their title are then you’re in luck because we have a top (and bottom) 10 below..
“I must sleep boss” is the famous quote from giant John Coffey, and after this three hour epic you will probably utter the same words. Tom Hanks plays a cell guard on death row looking after 7ft 7 inch convicted murderer John Coffey. It turns out that John is actually a healer – almost angelic – and eases Tom’s prostate problems, cures a brain tumour and revives a dead mouse (Mr Jingles), making it the second oldest rodent in film history after Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Colour-in? The green mile is a stretch of faded lime green lino leading to the electric chair.
Sean Connery was Scottish and Pierce Brosnan was Irish but that didn’t mean they couldn’t play the quintessentially English spy James Bond. After all it’s called acting.
Colour-in? Goldfinger spends the whole film pursuing as much gold as possible and owns a garish gold gun, very nouve riché. Goldeneye was a satellite, so no joy there.
Americans hate draws and are also pretty good at making complete failures look like victories; Black Hawk Down is a prime example of a film in this genre. It is the true story of a special opps regiment whose simple mission is to capture two Somalis warlords. The raid is estimated to take an hour… 18 hours, 19 Americans and 1,000 dead Somali’s later the film reaches its conclusion.
Colour-in? The helicopters were black and so were the majority of the people who got shot.
The Pink Panther films followed the stories of bumbling French police inspector Jacques Clouseau. However his efforts to solve the case of the stolen diamond (the Pink Panther) are so poor, that he is actually convicted of the crime, after being framed by his wife. However, he becomes a national hero and is promised non-stop sex when he is released from jail, so happily accepts his sentence. The films also included a Chinese guy called Kato who intermittently springs out of cupboards to fight Clouseau for no obvious reason. I never worked out if it was racist or not, but as a kid watching aggressive oriental men jump out from fixtures and fittings always seemed quite amusing.
Colour-in? The cartoon Pink Panther makes a cameo appearance at the end of the film when he is involved in a hit and run with a police car
Worst things happen at sea, weirder things happen under it. Word to the wise, don’t ever get in a submarine, you will lose your mind and declare war on a rival superpower.
Colour in? Crimson Tide reminds me of a vulgar phrase for female ovulation. So perhaps we are fortunate that red doesn’t prominently appear in either film.
The film that gave a generation of stumpy and talentless white kids the dream of playing NBA involves Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson as a couple of basketball hustlers. After the opening scene in which Woody cons Snipes, they team up and battle other streetballers and racial stereotypes, especially the notion that a Caucasian can not leap, with mixed results. This argument climaxes when Harelson says “black people would rather look good and lose then look bad and win” – after he had failed for the 19th consecutive time to dunk the ball.
Colour-in? Woody Harrelson is white and we’re pretty sure we’ve seen him jump.
This Cornish surfing/rave movie is a gem. Sean Pertwee’s character runs a surf school and is dating Chloe (Catherine Zeta Jones), everything is going well until Dean (a very young Ewan Macgregor) an old drug dealing friend turns up with his pal Terry. A reference is made in the film to the 1960s comic book character the Silver Surfer (more of him later). On the way to find a rave, the characters pass a man painted entirely in silver carrying a silver surfboard. Terry, under the influence of drugs supplied by Dean, then copies this by painting himself silver and spends the rest of the film in a state of shiny euphoria.
Colour-in? The Cornish sea is blue, but sadly the surfing scenes were filmed in Lanzarote.
Jimmi Hendrix, John Lennon, Jeremy Beadle, why do the good die young? John Belushi was another great who died before his time and here he stars in a fantastic action comedy alongside Dan Ackroyd. Between them they try to reform a blues band to raise money for an orphanage. During the film they are pursued by a woman with a bazooka, the entire Illinois police force, the Illinois Nazis, state troopers, SWAT teams, firefighters, Illinois National Guardsmen, Military Police and a country and western band “the Good O’l boys”. After the French Connection this film contains the best ever car chase on 8mm.
Colour-in? The blues refers to the music and possibly John Belushi’s depressed state.
Malcolm Mcdowell’s most shocking role – a horse-bonking Caligula aside – was A Clockwork Orange. Director Stanley Kubrick banned the film himself for fear of copycat violence. The film is set somewhere in the near future in London. The main protagonist Alex (Mcdowell) leads his gang of “droogs” across the capital on a rampage of ultra-violence and rape under the influence of that most evil of intoxicants…milk.
Colour-in? The title means something deep and meaningful… doesn’t it?
A lo-fi production from Quentin Tarantino but richer for it. The film still contains Samuel L Jackson, extreme violence and dark humour backed up by a great soundtrack. With his earlier films you feel a sense of awe, after this you feel a sense of achievement. The story follows Jackie Brown as a flight attendant who is caught smuggling money for arms dealer and sociopath Ordell (Kangol wearing Samuel L Jackson). With the help of her bail bondsman, she is in a race to clear her name and survive Ordell’s plots to kill her.
Colour-in? Sadly for the winning film the colour reference is only the lead character’s name.
…AND A SELECTION OF THE WORST.
Meet Joe Black – Get Brad in the black
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – A film about elderly people’s social networking habits would have been more entertaining
Pearl Harbour – Hang a love story on a real life tragedy, have a soul (see also Titanic, Remember Me…..)
Single White Female –The most overtly racist film ever made, maybe a Chinese housemate might have been more grounded. That will teach her..
White Chicks – Black men dressed as white women, one joke, two hours
The Lair of the White Worm – I have never seen it but with a title like that, I don’t hold much hope..
Purple Rain – Prince having sex, I would rather watch a rhino fornicate..
Green Street – Frodo kicking off with the Chelsea Headhunters.