MIC’s Spencer Matthews To Be ‘The Bachelor’

It was a scandal that rocked the world of quasi-reality television. Spencer Matthews, leading man of Made in Chelsea, former nightclub PR manager, now stockbroker, had taken cocaine during a night out. It was previously reported by an alleged witness that; “He produced a bag of cocaine, grabbed a DVD case and did a line. It made me feel really uncomfortable – but he acted like it was the most natural thing in the world.â€? – presumably because he did it off a DVD case like common scum instead of a marble worktop imported from Tuscany.

Following this, and rumours that the incident may have compromised his position as top knob on E4’s austerity distraction, Channel 5 announced today that Matthews will take the titular role in The Bachelor. Inspired by the courting rituals of Saudi Princes, Matthews will have the doubtlessly agonising task of picking one “soul-mateâ€? from 24 of “the most attractive women in the UK.â€?

Apparently looking for love, Matthews has said; “After much consideration, I truly believe that the time is right to look for, and hopefully find during the process of this series, someone with whom I can share a loving and meaningful relationship.â€? Given reality dating’s track record of 100% lasting commitment forever, it seems a safe bet.

Perhaps this will start a string of Made in Chelsea dating spin-offs, such as one where Francis Boulle goes clubbing to meet women, gets anxious when a girl grinds on him, then goes home to watch whatever’s on BBC 3 whilst rolling endless cigarettes.

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