1. Doctor to Rose as they are running away from the mysterious moving shop dummy: âNice to meet you Rose, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. No wait. Actually Iâve changed my mind. Can you wait here for about five minutes? SEE YA.â?
2. As the Slitheens take over Parliament: âWeâre going to turn the earth into molten slack, but first we need to cut the deficit that was caused by the previous Labour administration.” (*all the other MPs fart in agreement*) Insert three thousand news stories about how the party is more popular than Nick Clegg and his u-turn on tuition fees.”
3. Doctor Who finds out that he is actually in a futuristic Big Brother house: âBig Brother contestants this is DAVINA SPEAKINGâ¦ Remember, if you win the series you will receive your freedom and will not be vaporised, but you will have to undergo an interview with myself and of course Mr Dermot OâLeary.â? (The Doctor decides to enters the elimination booth, body vaporises)
4. Rose (absorbing the power of the Tardis): âI am the Bad Wolf. I scatter the words through time and space.â?
Doctor: âWait isnât that message a little too vague and hard to come to by?â?
Rose: âOk you know what Iâll stick with trashing the local Pret..â?
5. The Doctor meeting the evil Headmaster in School Reunion: âHavenât I seen you in Buffy the Vampire Slayer?â?
6. The Doctor meeting the Prime Minister aka. The Master: âHavenât I seen you in Life on Mars? You were very good on Life in Mars.â?
7. The Doctor meeting his new assistant Donna for the first time: âHavenât I metâ¦? Nah scratch that. I mustnât have. By the way, try not to over-act though you seem to be a person who might over-act.â?
8. Meeting the Doctorâs Daughter: âDonât worry, technically Iâm not really your daughter as the episode title makes out, and donât worry as I will die within the next 45 minutes so in the course of the show this really wonât change anything.â?
9. A mysterious girl addresses the Doctor: âHe will knock four timesâ¦.â? (*The Doctor has got a fearful and scared facial expression*) âOh yeah sorry you need a bit more explanation. It will be in about six months time when Donnaâs father gets locked into a room full of nuclear material. Please make sure you donât let him do something as stupid as that, or you might have to regenerate.â?
Doctor:â?Oh yeah good tip thanks.â?
10. The Doctor moving in with James Cordon: âHello.â?
Flatmate: âWho are you?â?
The Doctor: *headbutts him on the head*
Flatmate: âOh I see it is you The Doctor. Yes there is a mysterious man on the first floor who keeps making people disappear”. *five minutes later*
The Doctor: âLooks as if you can apply for your local council for a possible loft conversion. Bye.â?
11. River meets Doctor for the first time: âJust a tip. Donât bother going to Cardiff when the Slytheen are building a nuclear power-plant, Floor 500 when Simon Pegg is going between roles, the random episode with you and Kylie Minogue in some random ship crashing towards the earth, the episode that has Peter Kay absorbing people, the one when the Daleks look like funky multi-coloured fruit pastilles and the one in the ship when it seems as if you are being attacked by a weird floating character from the Corrsâ¦ you wonât find the action and storyline as good as some other of your adventures.â?
12. Doctor using his Tardis to catch River Song who has just jumped off the Empire State Building: âBuggerâ¦ she dived into the shallow end.â?
13. The Doctorâs Wife: âDonât worry technically Iâm not really your wife as this episode makes it out to be, as I am really the physical embodiment of the Tardis. And donât worry as I will die and become the Tardis in 45 minutes so in the course of the show this really wonât change anything.â?
14. Amy to The Doctor half way through the first episode of the new series: âOh by the way we saw you die earlier by a strange astronaut who came out of the water, and it was you but 100 years or olderâ¦. and then you came back through the toilet about ten minutes later when were all crying in the stereotypical American restaurant and then you entered the buildingâ¦ wait this isnât going to lead the universe imploding in on itself is it?â?