A Guide To Watching Glasto On Telly

GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL: From Friday 24th June, BBC3, 7pm

So, you’re stuck at home this weekend while your ‘friends’ are living it up in muddy disgusting bliss; seeing the sights, enduring inevitable alcohol poisoning, suffering from sunburn, getting trapped in porta-loos, perhaps seeing the odd band, and attempting to shift the weird guy with huge pupils who wandered past their campsite three hours ago and still won’t stop singing the praises of The Zeitgeist Movement.

But fear not friend, this handy guide will ensure you take the best Glasto has to offer without having to leave the comfort of your living room – well, you might have to go to the shops. First of all you need supplies, so to the shops it is, you’re going to need booze, lots of booze: load up with cider, vodka, boxes of wine, Pimms (if you want to look classy), and some of those little G&T cans. Next, food, buy: crisps, pasta, bread, tuna, eggs, bacon, and all manner of sensible items you won’t ever eat. Right, that should see you through the weekend, back to your house or place of residence.

Now to create an authentic festival atmosphere, open all your windows and doors, take the cushions off the sofa and lay them on the floor, get a camp-chair or two out of the cupboard and turn on your TV. Now turn it off, dust off your digital radio and tune it into BBC 6 Music, if you don’t have a ‘DAB Digital Radio’ plug your stereo’s speakers into your laptop and go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/6music/hd-audio/ TV coverage doesn’t start until 7pm, silly.

When 7pm eventually rolls around tune into BBC3, in order to give their coverage an even more authentic feel, the BBC have, in their infinite wisdom, decided to let Frearne Cotton front their Glasto coverage. So even though you managed to avoid the ‘gap yah’ rahs by staying at home, unfortunately you’ll still have to endure the incessantly sycophantic dialogue that falls from Fearne’s lips. Sorry. Luckily she’s only on for an hour; after eight the coverage will focus more on the bands.

As for the schedule, tonight you can catch Biffy Clyro then Mumford and Sons on BBC3, while BBC4 will be showcasing BB King, Morrissey, Jimmy Cliff, and finally headliners, U2. Glastonbury coverage stops at 11:05pm tonight, which leaves you with 25 minutes to order a take-away (I told you you’d never eat that food) and then settle down to watch The Terminator, starting on BBC1 at 11:30pm.

As usual BBC 6 Music will be with Glasto all day tomorrow, but TV coverage once again begins at 7pm (although only on BBC3). Jessie J and Tinie Tempah kick off proceedings at seven, followed by Paulo Nutini, Friendly Fires, Elbow, Janelle Monae, and finally, The Chemical Brothers.

Sunday’s BBC3 coverage starts at 7.45 with… Plan B? Wow, that’s a brave move. His most recent work might be an auntie-pleasing medley high-pitched soul singing, but his debut album, Who Need Actions When You’ve Got Words, was one of the most lyrically explicit UK hip-hop albums ever, and that’s saying something. Anyway, after Plan B is Pendulim, followed by Kaiser Chiefs. While BBC4 has Coldplay from 7-8pm.

If TV isn’t for you, you can catch almost every band on the BBC’s iplayer, which can be accessed via their dedicated Glastonbury site: http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/festivals/glastonbury/2011/

And that’s it, your weekend is over, come Monday you can revel in the sullen faces of your friends and co-workers as they try to push through harrowing five-day-binge induced come-downs. Now who’s laughing? (You, you’re the one who is laughing).