Alan’s Guide To Winning The Apprentice

The Apprentice returns this week with sixteen fresh faces fighting to be hired by Lord Alan Sugar. But what qualities is the big cheese looking for? Presenting exclusive extracts from his new book here’s the Amstrad boss himself with tips for the newbies..

“Hello, Lord Alan Sugar here. A lot of people ask me: ‘Alan, what do you look for in a winning Apprentice?’ So I tell them: ‘Who the bloody hell are you? Now naff off, I’m a bleedin’ Baron you know!’ It’s a dog eat dog world out there so to succeed you’ve got to have a bark and a bite or in my case just grow a bloody sexy beard. A new series of my show starts next week. Karen Brady is still by my side with her impressive assets. I wouldn’t mind a double dip in that recession – gorr blimey! Her and Nick will be helping separate the wheat from the riff raff so to help the candidates I’m sharing some extracts from my new book – Short And Sweet: Lord Sugar’s Guide to Bloody Business.”

Don’t spunk on your CV

I’m all about passion in the workplace but keep your spunk out of it. Here’s James from Series Five bringing ignorance wherever he goes:

No more catchphrases

I’m the only one whose allowed a catchphrase alright? This ain’t bleedin’ Little Britain. Despite mostly acting like a muppet I ended up hiring Lee “That’s what I’m talking about” McQueen in Series Four. Here’s he is doing that stupid bloody dinosaur impression:

Do NOT slag off Nick

Listen up you plonkers, Nick and me go way back so don’t you dare slag him off or my chipolata finger will be pointing at you. Debra got close in the last series but nasty nags make for good ratings they told me so I had to keep her. I got rid of her a few weeks later anyway..

Stuff yer Sandhurst

I don’t give a soddin’ Sugar about Sandhurst understood? I learnt everything I know about business with a wheelbarrow in the Jewish Boys Brigade and I know a lot more about bloody business than you Ben Clarke from Series Five.

Calm down you pillock!

This ain’t bloody White Hart Lane – I’ll have none of this kind of muckin’ about in my boardroom. I don’t care if you’ve managed to sell one of my Amstrad Email-phones – you’ve got to keep your cool. By the way if anyone does want one of them email phones I got about 5,000 in a warehouse in Hackney going cheap. Call for details. Now buggar off.