Bond Dead? Voldemort in MI6? Q:Origins? Skyfall Full Trailer Review..

After failing in an ambitious attempt to bed Her Royal Highness on Friday night, James Bond has bounced back with a full trailer for his upcoming blockbuster Skyfall this afternoon. It’s full of action and people saying vaguely leading things things like “Be careful what you wish for!” and “How much do you know about fear?”

It wouldn’t be a 007 without the svelte PA of an international crimelord spouting such piffle would it? Here’s our trailer review..

We start with M penning poor old Bond’s obituary, but SPOILER ALERT! he’s not actually dead. “What do you say about a man like that?” ponders Judi Dench. That he probably had VD? That you’re not sure what the hell was happening at any point during Quantum of Solace? That he’s saved your job on at least a dozen occasions? No none of these.. we assume M is always being horrible to 007 because she wants some Bond loving. No time for that though, Lord Voldemort’s talking..

Ralph Fiennes has turned up to tell M that she’s lost a file containing the identity of every agent embedded in terrorist cells across the world – look! the bastards have nicked it right out of the laptop! ..And you thought you were having a bad day because someone in the office stole your mug.

Not to worry though, because Bond’s on the case. And when we say ‘on the case’, we mean ‘snooping around over-turned hotel rooms’. Anyone he finds in there will be dead or pregnant in seconds flat. Possibly both..

..and now things get interesting. On M’s orders (“Take the blaaady shot!”) some gunwoman does what legions of henchman have failed to do over the last half century and shoots James Bond. Yet he does fall off a viaduct and into a river, which in the movies, is basically shorthand for ‘flesh-wound’.

With Bond dead, you might think that M’s troubles would be over, but NO! Someone starts trolling her with cryptic messages that she should ‘Think on her sins’, before undermining themselves by blowing up MI6 HQ.

Incidentally, it’s the second time the building has been bombed in 12 years, as anyone who remembers Pierce Brosnan prancing about in The World Is Not Enough will tell you. Apparently it’s more difficult to get into the Olympic Park with a pair of Nike trainers than it is to get into MI6 with a rucksack full of hand grenades.

But what’s this?! Bond’s back?! He’s been boozing it up with scorpion shots and “enjoying death”. Hang on Ralph Fiennes is talking again. He’s asking Bond why he doesn’t just stay dead, which coming from a man who turned Horcrux manufacture into his own cottage industry, is quite rich..

But we’re digressing. Here’s Q, played by Ben Wishaw. He was last seen in Hollow Crown, which was all very well in theory, but less fun than a tax return in reality. Anyway prepare for some Q:Origins maguffin.

China. Bond’s off to China. This is definitely what China looks like..

..where he soon bumps into a lovely lady who works for an as-of-yet unseen crime-lord. Bond insists upon seeing her boss immediately*

*after they’ve got blasted and he’s seduced her scanty dress into a pile on the floor or his hotel room.

As we know, any sexy villain secretary can be turned by a man capable of expensing a bottle of champagne and getting it up in the shower, so pretty soon this lady and Bond are an item. As she gives him a lift across some exotic bay, Bond attempts small-talk by boasting that he knows ‘everything’ about fear.

Who is this woman’s boss? Did Die Another Day get stuck in his DVD player?

Oh it’s Javier Bardem or as it says in the script, Raoul Silva, who’s been billed as “more than a villain” by publicity bods and ermmm.. Wikipedia. We find him in a room surrounded by some weird computer thingy. We can only assume it’s a super-weapon which will turn all the water on the planet into JLS CDs or make Sarah Palin Pope or something..

We’ve had a baddie based on Rupert Murdoch – presumably this one is based on Donald Trump. But despite his crap do, Silva proceeds to mock MI6, call M ‘Mummy’ (please God that’s not what it stands for..) and fire his gun in the air just to cement his point. Kind of reminds us of that episode of The Simpsons.. “Homer, on your way out if you want to kill somebody it would help me a lot”.

Now this next bit is probably important. We haven’t got the foggiest idea what’s going on, but we do know that Daniel Craig promised that 007 would have a “very important relationship” with Silva. When M rocks up there’s only two questions on our lips. What the hell is that glass chamber deal for? ..and who gets which end?

Whatever Donald Trump’s evil plan is, Bond’s not having any of it and we cut to a rapid montage of action, much of which takes part on the London Underground. As this scene which was plagiarised from Coronation Street testifies.

They never did this on Corrie though..