Diary Of Simon Cowell: Thinking Of Widdecombe..

It really has been a brilliant weekend for Simon Cowell! Not only have I doubled my media exposure at press events by refering to myself in the third person, but those two girls I borrowed from the Jeremy Kyle show turned out to be publicity magnets! I can’t believe Dermott and those oafish security guards intervened when it all kicked off! I couldn’t wait to get back stage after the show for round two…

At first their parents told me they wouldn’t allow their children to be degraded any further, but some Ben & Jerry’s and a bottle of Sprite soon changed that! While the gastropods were distracted, me and Louis got Abbey and Lisa a bit drunk and and they started knocking the sh*t out of each other again! Jeremy even turned up towards the end. He seems like a nice guy, but there’s definitely something very odd about him. I wish he would cut his nails.

Spent the morning watching the video of Abbey vs Lisa on my SiPhone. A great night of entertainment, the paramedics were a bit rude when they turned up though. I missed the best part of the fight because Jeremy kept hassling me about being a guest judge on the show. At least that’s what I think he was saying, he kind of hisses and spits instead of speaking, but his pitchfork came in handy when we needed to get the child-boxers away from the buffet. He invited me along to watch one of his shows tomorrow…

…Yesterday was the best day ever! I’ve spent the last decade making money out of people who have talent – I could have just rounded up the nation’s feral youth and bullied them on live television. So many wasted years. Boris Johnson Facebooked me on the way home. Apparently he and his pals are having all sorts of trouble with Tefal?! They should do what I do and get someone else to cook their meals for them..

Some unbelievable news this morning! According to The Daily Mail (great paper!) Anne Widdecombe is going to be heading the line-up for this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. I’ve always admired her effortless sex appeal and political idealism – if I’d known she was available I would have signed her up to be a judge on the X Factor without a second thought. Now I’m stuck with Dannii “I spell my name like I’ve been chucked down a deep hole” Minogue. Can’t believe I missed an opportunity to work with one of my heroes again. This is nearly as bad as the time Ike Turner was refused a visa for that charity single!

Spent the whole day in my room thinking about Anne Widdecombe…