Euro 2012 is here, which means football, people who don’t like football moaning about there being too much football, mass hysteria, drunkenness, smug Germans, rubbish penalties etc etc.. But if you’re new to all this (or just someone who’s fed up with the Clive Tyldesley’s guff) then we’ve taken the trouble of translating all those over-used football words and phrases. You’re welcome..
Maybe? This time? *Slaps self*
“England have switched to a more direct approach” ..Our footballers may get more cash from BSkyB than Jeremy Hunt, but for some reason we’ve been reduced to punting long balls up to a Toblerone-footed gypsy..
“Penalty shoot-outs are such a lottery” ..So why have Germany only ever lost one of them since Roman times?
“England Supporters Deserve Better” ..You have to feel sorry for anyone foolish enough to spend a couple of grand and take two weeks off work only to see Emile Heskey’s name on the team-sheet.
“The Press Are On His Back” ..For failing to win the Euros with his best player suspended and half his first team injured, The Sun have put Roy Hodgson’s face on a dartboard/compared him to root vegetable.
“The Wall Did It’s Job” ..Frank Lampard has taken a free-kick.
“There was minimal contact” ..It was a dive.
“It’s difficult to stay on your feet when you’re moving at such speed” ..It was a dive.
“He was looking for that” ..It was a dive.
“Two-nil is a dangerous lead in football” ..God knows how England got themselves into this position, but they’ll definitely screw it up. (Enter Rob Green)
“A schoolboy error” ..Alan Hansen’s favourite soundbyte, which is quite ironic given his comical performances for Scotland on the biggest stage.
“Never Write Off The Germans” ..Those relentless penalty bastards, are an efficient, well-organised unit, with technically excellent players, plenty of team spirit and steely mentality. We on the other hand are bunch of over-paid fools who struggle to pass footballs and brothels in equal measure.
“They Scored Too Early” ..After inexplicably taking an early lead (presumably through an own goal) England retreated further and further into their own half to protect their advantage while pumping long balls up to ‘the big man’ ™. Seeing as ‘the big man’ ™ in question has the first touch of a brick wall, this means the ball repeatedly returns until England concede an equaliser and eventually lose, possibly on penalties.
“The Team* Who Gets The Next Goal Wins It” ..This piece of commentary usually follows the aforementioned equaliser. In our hearts we all know which team they’re talking about. It’s the hope that kills you.
“England look like they’re just trying to hold on for penalties ..God only knows why.
“He’s England’s talisman” ..He’s either injured, suspended or embroiled in some sort of sex scandal or court case.
“Good first touch” ..The ability to control a football effortlessly when it arrives. Don’t expect to see anyone in an England shirt doing this over the next few weeks.
“Good touch for a big man” ..Who would have thought that a professional footballer over 6″3 would be able to control a football and lay it off? Amazing..
“There are no easy games at this level” ..Especially when – like England – you struggle to string more than two passes together.
“WAG” ..Annoying wife or girlfriend of England footballer who reluctantly watches matches (who can blame them?) and distracts said player from training. They’ve usually just authored an exceptionally vacuous autobiography called ‘Come Inside Myself’ or something..
“Stewart Downing is warming up” ..we are f*cked.