Fern: The First Episode Live-Blog

Tonight Fern Britton makes her triumphant return to live telly, in Paul O’Grady’s vacated teatime slot on Channel 4. Her guests will be, amongst others, the brilliant Miranda Hart, and some “real people”. Miranda seems pretty real to me, but we’ll find out exactly what constitutes a “real person” tonight, as I’ll be liveblogging the show from the studio! Will there be an embarrasing ‘wardrobe malfunction’? Will Miranda make one of her trademark pratfalls? Will an elephant p*ss on the floor? Find out here from 5pm.


4.50PM We are here! Had a tour around the studio – Fern’s walls are covered with Christian Lacroix wallpaper. Also had a lovely chat with a lady from Come Dine With Me, who will be making beef stuffed with olives later on the show…

What charming wallpaper Fern...

5PM... Snazzy titles. Fern takes us on a ‘tour’ of the new studio, which includes Miranda sat on some sofas, someone called Jimmy Dirty (if I heard that right) in the kitchen and a couple of nervous looking ‘real’ people ready to tell their ‘real’ stories…

5.10PM Fern gives us our first live TV woopsie – “ooh, my mic sounds a bit funny but that’s alright!” Miranda has a cold, but looks lovely against all that designer wallpaper. She says she’s removed herself from the internet, because she doesn’t want to be insulted, which is, completely understandable.

5.20PM YES! They’re showing bit from Miranda where she has the kid’s chair stuck to her arse in a french lesson. Brilliant. They’re chatting about doing Strictly Come Dancing – can we start some kind of petition for Miranda to appear in next year’s Dancing On Ice? Brief hiatus – internet went here in the studio. Loved the chocolate “moos tash” woman. How do you think it’s going? It’s verrry girly wirly so far.

Here's what you DON'T see of the kitchen - some Calour gas. The magic of TV eh?

5.25PM – Here’s some of my favourite twitter reactions:

@Jelly_tots I think Dorothy is a loon LOL #Fern

@Jonoread Two men in an audience of 30 on Fern’s show. Old woman talking about her thong now. Good god.

@claretch Watching #fern VERY strange without an audience… it all feels very quiet!

Hasn’t Claretch noticed the thirty pink-faced people clapping and whooping?

5.30PM – We can confirm – Carole Stinton IS that awesome in real life. This is clearly a segment for all those people lamenting the fact that Come Dine With me isn’t on anymore. Subtle. Her husband Dave looks f**cking mortified.

Maybe a couple of particularly obnoxious audience members will start bitching about the Lacroix wallpaper and Carole will spill beef fat on Miranda’s shoes. And then Fern will cry in the toilet. LOOK AT CAROLE BANGING AWAY!

Fern's autocue.. I resisted the temptation to edit it a little...

5.35PM – Oh no it’s Kirst O’Brian off of CBBC. Oh dear. Imagine having her at your wedding. This segment is about Marioke, which – as if you don’t know – is kareoke for people on their wedding day, where they lip sync to a crap song on camera and then watch it in 20 years when their marriage has crashed around their ears and their sobbing in to their microwave dinner. Fern is doing her best to coax a hilarious anecdote out of an incredibly dull couple, whose answers are in the region of “yes”, “no” “why” and “mmmmmm.”

5.45 PM – Twitter reaction has gone downhill a bit. Not much love for Fern. Well, you know how people get when you try and wrench 4-year-old repeats of Come Dine With Me from them.

Typical tweet:

@kels2312 Fern??? Fern??? Where the FECK is come dine with me? C4 u tw*tbags! No one cares about fern. Now put ur sh*t right.

5.50PM – What is Jimmy Dirty? I still don’t know. He seems to be Jamie Oliver’s matey from ESSSIX. Why is he on telly? Fern’s notching up the live TV whoopsies; she says that Carole’s Beef and Olives is Beef Wellington. If she’s not careful she’s going to get a Beef Face.

For ladies wot lunch


5.55pm – I’m blanking the sheep childbirth out. I didn’t sign up for this.

Fern tries to bring some lovely mumminess to the violence of childbirth, by saying it was all wuvely. It wasn’t. Miranda has got new stuff coming out, possibly a new series, I don’t know I was too busy vomming.

– I think I’ll leave the Danielle Bradshaw section to @candy1world on twitter:

She cut her leg for the Paralympics… #Fern I don’t even know what to think

6.00PM – They’re all pretending to like Carole’s gross olive/beef combo. I noticed Miranda’s sniftily sidestepped the whole “tasting” session.

So, that’s it. Let us know what you think – from the Lacroix wallpaper to the Beef Olives.