How can we make The X Factor better?
The X Factor is suffering this year. We know this because every tabloid tells us so and things have deteriorated so badly that an angry Simon Cowell had to storm home to give everyone a stern talking to. Well they assumed he was angry, the Botox made it hard to tell. But what has gone wrong this year? It all started of rather well, with Kelly being all American, Tulisa doing her own version of a Cheryl Salute (for the love of God, please just stop that), Gary being Northern and dashing (albeit boring) and Louis spouting the same old spiel from the previous seven series. However the viewing figures have taken a tumble and the show seems to have fallen into a parody of itself, with less than interesting contestants and forced inter-panel bickering. Luckily I have put together a list of small suggestions to improve this ailing talent contest, for I am the reality show whisperer.
1. Keep Frankie Cocozza in the Competition.
I know that we all hate him. He is a talentless, cocky, big-haired waste of skin with a voice as slight as his waist, but that’s why he is BRILLIANT. Frankie unites a nation every Saturday and Sunday night, as we collectively jeer at our screens and post STD jokes on Twitter and Facebook. Let him dick about and spread venereal diseases and keep him in the competition until he wanders on stage blind and mad from syphilis, shooting up heroin, while flatling mumbling ‘Celebrity Skin’ by Hole into a mic. Without his faux-rockstar posturing, forced ‘swagger’ (Guh. I hate that word) and that lovely one dimensional lilt to his singing voice, this year’s X Factor would be much duller. Gary Barlow dull.
2. Make Misha speak.
Gosh isn’t Misha brilliant! She’s a star already! Look she raps and sings without being Cher Lloyd-y! She has massive hair! Etc. All of that is dandy but when it comes to personality off-song, she doesn’t really reveal much of it. When being interviewed by Dermot, she stands there coyly, eyes to the ground and only occasionally glances up to force a smile and lick her teeth. If she is a full-blown mega-bitch then I want to see it. I could sense the rage that formed behind Misha’s make-up enveloped eyes when Tulisa called her a bully but instead of a finger waggling diva jibe off, she thanked Tuilsa for her comment. It has been suggested that the reason Misha was in the bottom two last week, resulted from her tarnished reputation as a bully. I think it’s the opposite. To survive, she needs to stop pretending she is modest and shy and become an out and out arsehole. I want backstage reports of Misha kicking Kitty in the face and slapping Janet every time she wistfully stares out of a window.
3. Merge the Groups.
Let’s face facts; the groups aren’t working this year. The Risk were little more than the worst aspects of JLS and The Wanted merged together (they don’t even do back flips!), Little Mix are a poor man’s Vanilla (the girl group that sang ‘No Way, No Way’ pop history fans) and the less said about Nu Vibe the better. This year’s X Factor seems to have no qualms in bringing back voted off contestants and sticking them in other groups, so why not avoid the slow and painful elimination process and merge them into one super-group. Think how amazing Little Risk would be. There would be the non-back flipping action of the boys, alongside the graphic cartoon fashion sense of the girls, and then they could get voted out next week and save everybody some valuable time.
4. Bring back Amelia
Getting rid of her to save Sophie Habib..zzzzzzz was an epic mistake from Rowland (put it down)..
5. Make Janet more Irish.
In the grand X Factor tradition of enforcing every stereotype possible, make Janet extra Irish. They have already dyed her hair an unnatural shade of red and made sure every song she sings sounds like the soundtrack to an advert for the Irish Tourist Board, so why not ramp it up a notch. They should build upon her Irishness gradually. Next week dress her in green, then the week after have her drink a pint of Guinness on stage before trying to start a drunken fight with Dermot. By the time she reaches the final (because she clearly will), I want her singing a song sitting on a giant four leaf clover, her feet resting on a pot of gold, smoking a pipe, with an entourage of leprechaun backing dancers. To be sure.
6. Make Alexandra Burke a full-time judge… dot com
Alexandra made a valuable contribution to the show during her one-week tenure as guest judge – she made everyone else look good in comparison. Next to Burke, Gary seemed fun, witty and fresh; Tulisa came across genuine and far less Camden-y and Louis less absolutely insane. She may have punctuated every sentence with ‘babe’ and made herself an instant hate figure by uttering ‘OK dot com’, however her disingenuous bleatings made the rest of the panel look shiny and new. So bring her back X Factor producers, we are all bored of Kelly’s ‘baby girls’ and ‘put it downs’ anyway, unless she comes back and does the sick voice all the time. That was awesome.
7. Scrap this series altogether.
See this season through to the end but in the illustrious history of the X Factor, just write it off as a failed experiment and pour all of the effort into the next series. The producers should try to shake off the ‘discount’ feel of the judging panel by bringing in some fresh blood. I suggest Melanie Phillips who would do everything in her power to make sure no one black or gay ever won again, for the sake of balance bring in David Milliband (it’s not like he is doing anything), a bitter and angry Steve Brookstein would bring a wonderful dynamic and of course Louis Walsh. Without him the whole thing would just be a joke. Also, they should bring back everything that made the previous seasons great, such as Big Band week, unbelievably over-the-top sob stories, Wagner and water throwing.