How To Win I’m A Celebrity In 10 Steps..

I’m A Celebrity.. Get Me Out Of Here! returns with its usual array of Z-list celebrities and stomach-churning tasks this weekend. If the no-hopers on this year’s show want to claim the title (and more importantly, some much-needed column inches) they need to adhere to our 10 rules..

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1. Do get off with someone: A sure-fire guarantee of a life after the show, as both forgotten ‘90s pop pin-up Peter Andre and silicon-clad Page 3 model Jordan found out after sparking up a self-conscious romance in 2004. Their tryst led to a slightly revived ‘music’ career for Andre as well as book contracts, much tabloid attention and further inane TV appearances.

2. Loudly publicise some phobia and then overcome it in a task: Joe Pasquale repeatedly emphasised his fear of flying as well as his chronic shyness while he was in the Australian jungle. Both were quickly overcome when Pasquale climbed down a ladder from a flying helicopter, collecting stars as he clung on for dear life. If you don’t have one, even better. Made-up phobias are much easier to overcome.

3. Be a bit dim: Jade Goody is still the benchmark for the foolish reality candidates aiming to entertain with their unbelievable silliness, but former EastEnders actor Joe Swash came close. Swash let slip that he believed Kuala Lumpur – the Malaysian capital – to be two countries on his way to victory in 2008. It’s also much more difficult to be nasty to a fool. That’s why our money is on Stacey to win this time round..

4. Don’t moan: This one works as a rule for normal life as well as I’m A Celebrity to be honest. Whilst a bit of griping every now and then may be vaguely entertaining, the discerning audiences of the show tend to vote unceasing grouches out quickly, as was the case with All Saint Natalie Appleton, who was regularly to be heard whinging about pretty much everything in November 2004. “There’s a spider on my bed! Please can you come and get it? Please somebody!â€? The public, irked and amused in equal measure, voted her to do several bushwhacker trials until she walked out.

5. Don’t appear on the show again: Jordan made a second appearance last year and walked out after a cruel and nasty viewing public hilariously forced her to do task after task. We’re assuming the show’s viewers are mostly ‘Team Pete’ members then…

6. Don’t go there if your relationship is already on the rocks: Sarah Matravers dumped fellow actor Marc Bannerman after watching him flirtat with Welsh beauty Cerys Matthews on I’m A Celebrity 2007. However, both Cerys and Bannerman later claimed that ITV had edited the footage to make it look a incriminating. That old nutshell! Nigel Havers will have to watch out this year…

7. Get stuck in: Former Busted member Matt Willis worked hard for the group, earning them and himself a cooked meal by ingesting a crocodile’s penis, worms, and a kangaroo’s anus for a bushtucker trial in 2006. The result? Despite entering the final day as a 8/1 outsider, he pulled off a famous (to some extent) victory. Current contestant Linford Christie has already painted a target on his ass by emphasising that he won’t be eating any testicles. It’s like telling the school bully that you’ll wet yourself if they tickle you…

8. If you’ve got it, flaunt it: Myleene Klass became immensely popular with viewers after a series of cold showers in a skimpy white bikini (later auctioned off by her on eBay). Gemma Arterton and Katie Price also pulled off similar vote-winning strip-teases, but to be honest the list of girls to have used this technique is longer than a Leonard Cohen song. Expect to see more of the same in the present series as US Playboy model Kayla Collins has just taken out a swimwear range which she aims to promote on the show!

9. Be a national treasure: The first ever winner Tony Blackburn was recognisable to listeners around the country as the UK’s most popular DJ, having commanded the airwaves since the ‘60s. Blackburn, competing with such minnows as comedian Rhona Cameron (seriously, who??) won easily.

10. Do NOT eat any live animals: In 2009 Hollyoaks actor Stuart Manning and eventual winner Gino D’Acampo (a famed Italian chef!) were slapped with animal cruelty charges for hunting and subsequently eating a rat after complaints from the Australian RSPCA. We would have though the act itself would have been punishment enough to be honest. Rat Lasagne anybody?

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