If there’s one thing our American friends love more than guns and the phrase “touch base”, it’s giving their TV shows taglines. Some are good (Winter Is Coming) some less so.. (Sleep Is For Babies), but we’re not so hot on it here in the UK, so we’ve decided to give our favourite programmes their own slogans. More suggestions welcome..
MIDSOMER MURDERS: Cast-iron proof that immigrants don’t boost crime rates.
10 O’CLOCK NEWS: The economy is even more screwed than it was yesterday..
X FACTOR: Vote for me because when I was growing up my family only had one car.
SHERLOCK: Conan-Doyle with iPhones, on-screen text messages and rapid banter.
DOCTOR WHO: Only two people genuinely understand what’s going on any more and one of them is lying.
NEWSNIGHT: Politicians try to out-lie each other as Paxman waves his cock about like a diva.
THE APPRENTICE: This definitely isn’t the best young business talent in the UK.
SKINS: These plot-lines form 90% of The Daily Mail’s news content.
THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW: Some day one of these chavs is going to rip his stupid face right off.
THE ONE SHOW: Mainstream fluff best watched while you’re doing something else..
BOARDWALK EMPIRE: Sopranos Origins. More expensive than an RBS bonus bill.
TOP GEAR: Are you an upper-class English person? Then fuck off. Also, fast cars.
COME DINE WITH ME: It’s a Saturday afternoon and you still haven’t got out of bed. And the commentator’s hilarious ™.
THE KILLING: Watching programmes with subtitles makes you cleverer.
BIG FAT GYPSY WEDDINGS: LOOK AT THE STUPID GYPSIES! LOOK AT THEM!!!
THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX: ..If you own a fake-tanning business.
MADE IN CHELSEA: TOWIE + servants + champagne + the word ‘yah’.
MAD MEN: Day-time benders, office naps, Joan’s ass. Everything was better before sexism was bad.
MAD DOGS We spent all the cash on British acting talent and got an intern to write the script.
BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT: No it hasn’t.
STRICTLY COME DANCING: Your licence fee paid for Brucie’s cryo-chamber so you might as well watch.
HORIZON: Someone’s getting screwed over somewhere. Next up, ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’.
WONDERS OF THE UNIVERSE: Some stuff is a million trillion billion million times as big a football pitch.
HUSTLE: This bastard is so posh that he may break your TV. Watch us rip him off.
JAMIE OLIVER: This meal will taste amazing but the raw ingredients will cost you about £30.
EASTENDERS: No one leaves the square, which is good news for the rest of us.
OUTNUMBERED Middle class kids say the funniest things.