Lists are a staple of pop culture journalism, always there for the ideas-bereft feature writer to fall back on as they struggle to think up anything remotely original. This week lists hit the mainstream as Phillip Schofield produced his now-infamous Paedo List, which featured names of alleged Tory child abusers he’d looked up on t’Internet, to Prime Minister David Cameron on the show formerly known as This Morning With Richard and Judy, causing an unholy media shitstorm in the process. OTB’s latest list shouldn’t provoke nearly as much hostility as Schofe’s (sorry to disappoint, controversy fans) but we assure you it’s well worth a read anyway. In celebration of Movember, OTB presents TV’s Top 10 Moustaches:
10. Corporal Jones (Dad’s Army)
Clive Dunn sadly died this week aged 92. He’s most fondly remembered as Dad’s Army’s doddery Jonesy – who he played whilst still in his 50s. Dunn memorably used a stuck-on moustache for the role, earning him a spot on our list.
9. Walter White (Breaking Bad)
Breaking Bad is the best show on TV at the moment, possibly ever. If you’re contesting OTB’s rather bold assertion, you obviously haven’t seen the show (we’re guessing you probably have, though). Bryan Cranston is brilliant as Walter White, the cancer-stricken chemistry teacher with a sideline in crystal meth production, who gets dragged deeper and deeper into the swirling vortex of the drug underworld, as his morals and ethics erode in front of the viewer’s eyes. He also sports good facial fuzz. Now go watch it if you haven’t already.
8. Hank Kingsley (The Larry Sanders Show)
Hank Kingsley stands alongside Messrs Costanza, Simpson, Partridge, Brent and Tucker as one of the greatest sitcom characters of all time. He’s certainly the most tragic, and more mean-spirited than the rest of them put together (which takes some doing). Oh, and unlike those other comedy greats, he’s got a mean ‘tache.
7. Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development)
Arrested Development is the superb recurring-joke-heavy, pun-heavy, incest-heavy (seriously) sitcom ridiculously cancelled by wrong-headed Fox execs back in 2006 (boo!). In a rare spot of good news, it’s back next year with a run of 10 new episodes (which could potentially rise to 13) and a movie spin-off is on the horizon. The show’s resident analrapist (the world’s first analyst and therapist) Tobias (played by comedian David Cross of Mr. Show fame) has a bushy moustache, ergo makes the list.
6. Inspector Jack Frost (A Touch of Frost)
David Jason charmed the nation for 22 years as (clean-shaven) loveable wheeler-dealer Delboy in Only Fools and Horses. He’s been a staple of British television since the 1960s, and is a certified national treasure. Jason makes our list for his turn as the miserly, moustached Inspector Frost on ITV’s A Touch of Frost.
5. Borat (Da Ali G Show)
Sacha Baron Cohen’s satirical Kazakh creation has been long-retired, but his appearances on Da Ali G Show and 2006’s smash hit film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan earned his place in the pop culture canon. Oh, and he has a cracking moustache.
4. Ned Flanders (The Simpsons)
In at number 4 is Homer Simpson’s God-fearing, left-handed next door neighbour Ned Flanders is one of the most endearing characters in The Simpsons. He wears the most iconic 2D moustache of all time.
3. The Chuckle Brothers (Chucklevision)
Children’s TV just wouldn’t be the same without “To me, to you, to me, to you” merchants Paul and Barry Chuckle. In recent years, Barry Chuckle’s opted to go rogue, eschewing his ‘tache for a facially commando look. But he’ll always be moustached to us.
2. Hercule Poirot (Agatha Christie’s Poirot)
David Suchet’s been applying wax to his hairy upper-lip since 1989 as Agatha Christie’s most famous creation, Belgian detective Hercule Poirot (a lot of detectives have moustaches incidentally. Coincidence? We think not). Easily the most extroverted effort on this list, Poirot’s ‘tache is to facial hair what Brian May is to music: extremely curly and reeking of an over-inflated sense of self-importance.
1. Thomas Magnum (Magnum, P.I.)
When people think of TV moustaches, Tom Selleck’s instantly comes to mind. He is the TV moustache. Selleck’s is a thick n’ furry layer of pure testosterone, more iconic than the man himself.