Junior Apprentice Contestants – The Rundown

Lord Alan of Sugar Town is back with a new series of The Apprentice tonight but this time it has small difference. It’ll still feature the same bum-licking, backstabbing brown-nosers that the series is famous for, but this time the candidates that will have to appeal to Suralan’s notoriously turbulent temperament are all under 18. Therefore it’s got the potential to be at least four million times more irritating.

With that in mind, here’s our rundown of the precocious sods:

Adam Eliaz – 17
Adam professes that at 16 he had his own ebay shop – not a massive achievement when you consider you can do that in about five clicks… He also claims that he’ll do anything for money. Funny you should say that Adam because fail enough at business and that’s exactly what you will be doing…

Arjun Rajyagor – 17
Despite looking like Penfold Arjun actually seems to have a brain in his head. With a passion for electronics, he dreams of owning his own engineering company. Judging from his interview, he seems fairly level-headed. Let’s see if he can cope with Suralan breathing down his neck.

Emma Walker –16
Massively idealistic Emma believes that she can change the world through business. “I’m passionate about changing the world. I get angry at ignorance and people who hurt peopleâ€?. There’s something oddly hypnotic about her mouth, as if she’s trying to pronounce everything with her teeth.

Hannah Cherry – 17
“I’m bursting with ambition. I think with my fun personality along with my previous achievements I’d be really goodâ€? she says in a flat monotone that would rival Jack Dee. We’ll have to see how she performs as a businesswoman but I’m bored already…

Hibah Ansary – 16
“I don’t need friends, I’ve got enough friends. In order to win the show I’m willing to be sociable and be civil.â€? A budding backstabber it seems… “When I was in prep school I used to try to do a cheeky swap – 50p for a poundâ€? – or in other words, “I used to run a successful scamâ€? Perfect. She’ll probably win.

Jordan De Courcy – 16
Camp as you like, Jordan has made some money selling cosmetics and plans to launch his own skin care range. He’s also absolutely incapable of keeping his hands still when he talks and has an ego the size of Iceland. Should be good value in the bickering stakes.

Kirsty Cleaver – 17
Working in her parents’ restaurant and a passion for sport has given her a real drive for success. Strong willed and pretty determined but largely untested in the entrepreneurial world, it’s not clear how she’ll fare in Suralan’s sales challenges.

Rhys Rosser – 17
Rhys resembles a Spitting Image puppet of Prince Charles and looks in permanent danger of swallowing his own teeth. His vision is to launch a range of cafes. “I don’t need tactics, I can just beat them allâ€?. I’ll give you odds on that someone beats him to death within the first 20 minutes of broadcast.

Timothy Ankers – 17
Tim’s set up his own sheep shearing business. “It’s quite profitable, about a pound a sheep. The other day I sheared three sheep, I got paid £50.” I’ve just double-checked my maths and three sheep for 50 quid isn’t a pound a sheep. Let’s just hope his business brain is better than his maths…

Zoe Plummer – 16
At 16 Zoe’s already mastered management speak bullshit. She believes that her creativity will be the thing that makes her stand out from the crowd. “I’m a strong, dynamic, charismatic leaderâ€? she intones, displaying absolutely none of those qualities.

Well there you have it, that’s the new intake. My money’s on Arjun, he’s the only one who seems competent without having his head so far up his bum he could wear himself as a hat. But it’ll probably be Hibah or Rhys: everyone knows arrogance and backstabbing beat actual talent every time.