As Iâm sure youâve all heard by now, the NSA has been caught with its pants around its ankles – crumpled up tissue in one hand, eagerly watching the worldâs dirty little secrets. Like any teenager caught in the act, the NSA has responded to questioning in bouts of teary-eyed rageâ¦ How dare Edward Snowden enter without knocking?! Sometimes, the NSA just wishes there was SOMEONE out there who understood it.
Well fortunately for our readers, we donât care about its hormonal outbursts. We just want to know what the NSAâs been spanking its monkey over. Thanks to some of the best investigative journalism since the Onion Newsâ exposÃ© on the US Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman (for reference, if you can be bothered, written on the 17th May 2013) weâve managed to find the answer to that burning question…
LL âMe and my girls are going to need six grams of your finest.â?
(386) âIâll be 40 minutes. You got the cash?â?
LL âYeah. Listen, youâre a smart guy right? I need some advice â I canât decide if I should wear my panties out tonight.â?
LL âWhaddya think?â?
(386) âAre the papz gunna be there?â?
LL âNah, donât think so…â?
(386) âThen yeah.â?
(229) âWell hello there.â?
GM âHELLO?! HI ITâS ME, GEORGE, IâM ON THE M6 JUST AFTER STAFFORD. IâVE BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT.â?
(229) âOh my god! Are you OK?â?
GM âIâM OK. BUT THE OTHER GUY ISNâT. SHIT. AM I GOING TO PRISON FOR THIS?â?
(229) âI donât think so, sir.â?
GM âHOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? THE GUYâS BLEEDING OUT. OH GOD IâM DONE FOR THIS TIME. OF COURSE IâM GUNNA BE LOCKED UP!â?
(229) âSir, you might laugh when you hear thisâ¦â?
GM âARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? THIS MAN IS DYINGâ?
229 âMy name is Pedro; Iâm the receptionist at Gentlemen 4 Hireâ?
(GM) âBloody speed-dial.â?
Jesus H. Christ
JC âIâve just given up, pop.â?
(1) âWhyâs that my son?
JC âNo matter how hard I try to save their souls, they always go off and do something stupid and/ or evilâ¦ Whatâs the point anymore?â?
(1) âHow do you mean?â?
JC âPut it this way: if the likes of Kim Kardashian can be considered a celebrity, then I donât give a flying fuck what happens to these people.â?
(446) âHello, PizzaHut. Jack speaking, how may I help?â?
MF âThere’s a con like me in every prison in America, I guess. I’m the guy who can get it for you. Cigarettes, aÂ bag of reefer if you’re partial, aÂ bottle of brandy to celebrate yourÂ kid’s high school graduation. DamnÂ near anything, within reason.â?Â
(446) âSorry sir, I didnât quite catch thatâ¦â?
MF âYes sir, Iâm a regular Sears & Roebuck.â?
MF âSo when Andy Dufresne came to me in 1949 and asked me to smuggle Rita Hayworth into the prison for him, I told him no problemâ?
(446) âTIME WASTER!â?
(446) [Hangs up]