Soap Awards of the Week – 9 November 2009

What a boring time we have had to endure in soapland this week folks, and not a stray firework in sight!

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of the OTB fireworks party which ended with a trip to A&E and a stiff warning from the fire department – apparently you shouldn’t EVER go back to a lit firework.

As Archie found out last Friday, you should never go back to the scene of a crime either – that’s what we call a game-changer people.

Norris’s Assistant of the Week – Horace (Coronation Street)

corrrryWhat the hell is going on at the Kabin?

After a series of questionable staff-members, Norris hires his long-lost twin to help run the only corner-shop in the country with a higher staff-turnover than a suicide bombing firm.

It didn’t surprise any of us when the doppelganger introduced himself as Horace – after all these are the rhyme-loving writers that created Sheila Wheeler – and it turns out that unlike his morbid predecessor (winner of last week’s Worst New Character award) our rhyming side-kick is just as wacky as his new boss.

“Norris and I look nothing alike,” he says to Ken and his grandson, apparently unaware that they look more similar than those god-awful leprechauns on X Factor.

Pull of the Week – Peggy and Archie (Eastenders)

pegs n archiePeggy Mitchell has been gallivanting about the town and building up debt like a third-year student desperate to capitalise on the last months of uni, so it was no surprise that she ended up snogging her worst enemy on Friday (we’ve all been there).

Archie Mitchell hasn’t got too much time left in the Square himself, but there are storylines left in the old dog yet, and if you thought he was just going to wait around for what will no doubt be a very mysterious death – think again. Last week he tried to chat-up Peggy by burning down The Vic – and it worked! That’s romance Walford style!

Proposal of the Week – Joe (Coronation Street)

We have always admired Gail Platt here at OTB. For a woman who looks like she has wandered off the set of Planet of the Apes, she gets a lot of action.

But despite her good looks, her track record with men certainly leaves something to be desired and after her last husband tried to kill her (which tends to put a dampener on any relationship), this time she has decided to play it safe and jump into bed with a recovering drug-addict.

Priory Joe has a boat though – which is handy because he might not have a house by the end of next week – and that’s where he decides to pop the question. At least her family are alright though – wait.

Nastiest Beale of the week – Lucie Beale (Eastenders)

lucy eastendersIt seems to have escaped the attention of everyone in the square that Syed and Christian are gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun. Everyone apart from the omen-like offspring of Ian Beale that is – the phrase ‘chip off the old block’ could have been invented for this girl at the moment.

Last week she tried to make a few quid by blackmailing the masala queen with a series of letters created from a copy of Just Seventeen, and all so she could rub it in Jay’s homeless face. But that just got us thinking about who the worst father figure would be – Billy Mitchell or Ian Beale?

Class Struggle of the Week – Emmerdale

on fire emmerdaleThe Home Farm ruling-class have always had a turbulent relationship with the white-trash in Emmerdale village (the Dingle family). This is probably because they are constantly sleeping with them, sacking them or getting them arrested.

So it’s little surprise that the unwashed masses led by a particularly dirty Zak Dingle ended up burning effigies of their land-owning oppressors – the peasants revolt?

Witty Comeback of the Week – Ian Beale (Eastenders)

Usually when we mention the word ‘wit’ in the same sentence as the name Ian Beale, it is preceded by the word ‘half’ – but not this week.

Jane Beale – “We can go visit little George…â€?
Ian Beale – “He’ll be big George if he’s anything like his mum.â€?