Sold? Colman’s Proper Disgusting Congealed Meat Bull

Have you seen the Colman’s gravy advert? If you frequently pee yourself in your sleep, then chances are, you probably have. It’s horrific. For those fortunate enough not to have seen it, it goes something like this: as a family sit down to eat their Sunday lunch, a gelatinous beef-flavoured nightmare takes the form of a bull and animates itself across the table to terrify and confuse in equal measure.

Is this the turd-like ghost of a dead cow, whose flesh currently happens to be sitting on mum’s finest dinnerware? If so, it holds no ill feeling for the traumas that it must have experienced at the abattoir. In fact, it seems positively ecstatic as it dances around the table singing, “I like the way you moo,â€? a play on a song that was very briefly popular with twats in 2005.

After proving its point and treading gross beefy footprints across the table, it collapses into the gravy boat to die once and for all. The family, astonishingly, barely bat an eyelid at what’s just taken place in front of their very eyes. “I like the way you mooâ€?? It doesn’t even make sense. Why would a cow be saying this to people? It’s enough to put you off your lunch surely? Although apparently not for these people, who return their meals, their appetites unspoiled. An exorcism seems like the appropriate thing to do. The table should be burned and all Colman’s products removed and buried.

Even those who believe that Chicken Cottage constitutes as fine dining will surely gag at the mention of “proper meat juicesâ€?—which, we’re told, gives Colman’s gravy “a proper meaty tasteâ€?. Of course it has a proper meaty taste; it’s made from the blood of an excitable zombie Taurus that’s enthusiastically celebrating its own slaughter.

Oh, to have been part of the creative team pitched this advert, a team that could only come up with one positive thing to say about the product that they were paid to promote: that it’s undeniably meaty—offensively meaty even, as offensively meaty as a congealed dead dancing bull. Like Michelangelo carving his beloved David, an overworked ad team created that hideous bull. Michelangelo used stone. The ad team used beef gravy paste.

However, as much as I appreciate the work that must have gone into the Colman’s ad, I can’t help wishing that it would disappear. It’s actually incredibly disgusting, and contrary to several YouTube comments from users calling it “the funniest thing everâ€?, it’s not amusing. I appreciate the irony of a bull that resurrects itself from the dead to rhapsodise about meat (don’t get me wrong), but unfortunately, I can’t get over its stomach-churning appearance.

It needs to disappear. And if Colman’s have plans of creating future ads with the bull, I’d like answers please. I want to know what the family’s exchange is after their meal has been disturbed.

“Go on, son,â€? perhaps dad might say, nonchalantly. “You eat your dancing cow gravy.â€?

“But it just danced across the—“

“I said eat it!â€?

If you thought the bull was bad enough, be sure to check out Colman’s grotesque demon pig from 1998..