Have you seen the Colmanâs gravy advert? If you frequently pee yourself in your sleep, then chances are, you probably have. Itâs horrific. For those fortunate enough not to have seen it, it goes something like this: as a family sit down to eat their Sunday lunch, a gelatinous beef-flavoured nightmare takes the form of a bull and animates itself across the table to terrify and confuse in equal measure.
Is this the turd-like ghost of a dead cow, whose flesh currently happens to be sitting on mumâs finest dinnerware? If so, it holds no ill feeling for the traumas that it must have experienced at the abattoir. In fact, it seems positively ecstatic as it dances around the table singing, âI like the way you moo,â? a play on a song that was very briefly popular with twats in 2005.
After proving its point and treading gross beefy footprints across the table, it collapses into the gravy boat to die once and for all. The family, astonishingly, barely bat an eyelid at whatâs just taken place in front of their very eyes. âI like the way you mooâ?? It doesnât even make sense. Why would a cow be saying this to people? Itâs enough to put you off your lunch surely? Although apparently not for these people, who return their meals, their appetites unspoiled. An exorcism seems like the appropriate thing to do. The table should be burned and all Colmanâs products removed and buried.
Even those who believe that Chicken Cottage constitutes as fine dining will surely gag at the mention of âproper meat juicesâ?âwhich, weâre told, gives Colmanâs gravy âa proper meaty tasteâ?. Of course it has a proper meaty taste; itâs made from the blood of an excitable zombie Taurus thatâs enthusiastically celebrating its own slaughter.
Oh, to have been part of the creative team pitched this advert, a team that could only come up with one positive thing to say about the product that they were paid to promote: that itâs undeniably meatyâoffensively meaty even, as offensively meaty as a congealed dead dancing bull. Like Michelangelo carving his beloved David, an overworked ad team created that hideous bull. Michelangelo used stone. The ad team used beef gravy paste.
However, as much as I appreciate the work that must have gone into the Colmanâs ad, I canât help wishing that it would disappear. Itâs actually incredibly disgusting, and contrary to several YouTube comments from users calling it âthe funniest thing everâ?, itâs not amusing. I appreciate the irony of a bull that resurrects itself from the dead to rhapsodise about meat (donât get me wrong), but unfortunately, I canât get over its stomach-churning appearance.
It needs to disappear. And if Colmanâs have plans of creating future ads with the bull, Iâd like answers please. I want to know what the familyâs exchange is after their meal has been disturbed.
âGo on, son,â? perhaps dad might say, nonchalantly. âYou eat your dancing cow gravy.â?
âBut it just danced across theââ
âI said eat it!â?
If you thought the bull was bad enough, be sure to check out Colmanâs grotesque demon pig from 1998..