Sold?: Milking It

Nothing sells a product like a fluffy wuffy poop-machine. Just ask the ad-men who thought up the Andrex puppy. Or the Dulux dog. Or that singing mutt cruising in the Volkswagon Polo.

As a nation of animal lovers we’re much more likely to put our hands in our pockets for something if it’s appeared on the telly with a less-intelligent life-form (though take note Iceland – Kerry Katona doesn’t count).

Dress the poor creature up in human clothes, give it a voice and you’re on to a winner. I’ve watched the entire series of Life but old Attenborough never revealed that horses talk with a posh accent (thanks Weetabix), labradors love loo-roll and sound like Rik Mayall (Andrex) while meerkats originate from Russia (

Now two new adverts celebrate the wares of a far from cuddly creature – the cow – but we’re still left in the lurch about what they talk like. Which is important to know, should you ever have to sit next to one on the bus.

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In a bid to cut labour costs Anchor butter has employed the bovines themselves not only to provide the milk but churn it into butter, quality assess it and package it up for delivery. Bloody cows, coming over here and stealing our jobs. At least they’ve got good taste in music, selecting a dixie-style cover of Guns N Roses’ Paradise City.

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Not all cows have it so hard though. Muller says “thankyou” to its cattle by making their fantasies come true. Apparently Mary has always harboured dreams of being a horse. Even Jimmy Saville couldn’t fix that one but Muller do the best thing and stick Mary on a beach and film her walking quickly – bet she’s well chuffed.

Two great ads but we’re still none the wiser about bovine speech. They’re love of stadium rock and black and white attire would suggest a Gene Simmons like drawl but then their dreams of fame and vacant eyes could mean a Susan Boyle-like Scottish twang.

Either way, try and find another seat on the bus, unless the only other free is next to Kerry Katona.