The Eurovision Song Contest, Europe’s premier (only) singing competition, hits our screens again this weekend. The UK has the four singing revolutionaries in the form of Blue, Ireland have a pair of music pioneers in Jedward. But not all Eurovisions have been blessed with an abundance of talent, we take a look at some of the more shocking performances and general rubbish that has accosted those foolish enough to watch it every year. One person we can guarantee won’t be watching is Terry Wogan…
1. Lithuania – The winners of the Eurovision
Lithuania’s LT United tried to subliminally influence voters in 2006, pronounce ‘We are the winners of Eurovision’. By repeating “we are the winners of Eurovision, so you better vote for the winners” they convinced voters to vote them into sixth place which was pretty good for such a bad song, Eurovision voters are obviously easily influenced. The highlight of the act was an electric violin solo joined by Matt Lucas having a seizure.
2. Azucar Moreno’s technical disaster
Spain’s 1990 performance Bandido had a dramatic pause to begin with; a dramatic pause that was actually a technical problem. When the girls come out to get cracking nothing happened, so they stormed off stage in a huff. The band was left there looking very awkward, unaware if they should continue to keep miming. They gave it a second go and it all goes off without a hitch, the guitarist even mimes a very impressive Spanish guitar solo.
3. Sweden’s vote representative unable to pronounce anything
Sweden’s 2008 vote announcer, Bjorn, announced his country’s votes, but the Swede seemed generally confused and had no idea how to pronounce the countries names, including making a mess of Iceland. Swedes knew that he was having a laugh, as Bjorn is a well-known Sewedish comedian, but the rest of Europe didn’t and thought he had some sort of mental issues, guess the joke was on us, or was it on him? It was on all of us for watching Eurovision.
4. The UK’s only nil pointer
Jemini cited being unable to hear the backing track as the reason that they sung out of off-key and offended the ears of Europe. They didn’t receive a single point in 2003, which isn’t entirely unreasonable. Also the war in Iraq was to blame for the performance being so bad and making so many Europeans not vote for them.
5. Michalis Rakintzis – S.A.G.A.P.O
Greece’s Michaelis Rakintzis brought on his band dressed in armour. This was probably in case anyone objected to their singing and wanted to attack them. It wouldn’t be a surprise, nor would it be unwarranted as the Greek ruins singing forever with his song S.A.G.A.P.O which talks a lot about passwords. Voters were generous with this song and it finished 17th.
6. Bosnia-Herzegovina mix up their votes, making the hosts very annoyed
When the Bosnia-Herzegovina points announcer mixes up the points scores and gets her order all mixed up, she quickly looks around for someone to blame. The hosts state that she has to start again, so she starts repeating her countries votes from the beginning, but the board hasn’t been cleared from her previous farcial attempts, this causes the Latvian host to get unreasonably angry and scold her like a small child.
7. Daz Sampson – Teenage Life
Daz Simpson rapped about school times in 2006 for the UK. With his backing dancers dressed as schoolgirls, they managed to be pretty as their singing sounded more like dinnerladies than pupils. The song sounded someone who hadn’t heard music before trying to play Where is the Love by Black Eyed Peas, with Daz’s rapping over the top. He signed off with ‘vote for the music’ – the voters took his advice and didn’t vote for him, he came 19th.
8. Spain’s 2008 Entry – Baila El Chiki Chiki
In 2008, Rodolfo Chikilicuatre subjected us to the trip that was Baila El Chiki Chiki. Dressed like an Elvis sex offender and clutching a children’s toy guitar. In the song, which sounded like it has been composed on a Game Boy, Rodolfo explained to us that El Chiki Chiki is a dance that everyone is doing, apparently. He didn’t win, no-one’s surprised.
9. Ukraine’s 2007 entry, the influence for Lady Gaga?
The Ukraine’s entry in 2007 sees Mrs Doubtfire dressed up as Lady Gaga, or something. Looking like something out of your nightmares, the extremely catchy and upbeat song has the backing singers look like they’ve being hypnotised to dance worse than a drunk uncle at a wedding.
10. Germany’s Guildo Horn has an ‘episode’
In 1998, Guildo Horn decided to give us Guildo hat euch lieb, meaning Always Over Now. Guildo was dressed in a turquoise velvet jacket and looked like his hair was trying to escape from his head. He ran into the audience and stroked a man’s head, perhaps jealous of his full head of hair, then ran back onstage and produced a set of cowbells that he started playing with. Unconfirmed reports (made up by me, just now) say he was put into a straightjacket immediately after he came off the stage.