ITV are treating us to a pop-doc this evening to mark Take That’s highly-anticipated reunification last month. The spoil-sports on their publicity desk wouldn’t let us have a look at Take That: Look Back, Don’t Stare before it went to air, but we couldn’t miss the opportunity to take a trip down boyband memory lane.
We’ve scoured the internet to put together a list of the worst boyband music videos ever. As you can imagine, competition was fierce…
The Backstreet Boys may have been one of the most credible boy bands of the 90s, but this video is remarkably uncool.
Firstly the group attempt a sort of Brian Friedman-esque Line Dance, complete with hand clapping, side stepping and toe tapping. But then they each get a chance to freestyle it, which results in the boys prancing around the white circular stage like a gang of pre-pubescent teens at their first school disco.
Still, it’s a wonder they could move at all in those oversized leather jackets they all seem so fond of wearing.
This video is quite frankly cringe-worthy and certainly deserves an actual call to 911.
The boys perform a diabolical dance routine on the beach in shocking holiday attire, looking as over-excited as a group of mates on their first lads holiday without parents. But this is not the promiscuous, binge-drinking youths of today. This angelic trio make Jedward look like Pete Doherty as they write their names in the sand, play guitar and give each other piggy backs for fun.
All credit though to the cameraman, who appears to have finally learnt the art of the zoom button!
Before N-Dubz and Dizzee Rascal had grown out of nappies, the voice of urban Britain was apparently represented by ‘well hard’ boyband 5ive.
Someone should let wannabe tough guy Westwood know, because the message we at OTB took from this video was that in order to be a ‘bad boy’, all you really have to do is walk around dark alleys and basketball courts donning tracksuits whilst crazily waving your arms around a lot.
Seriously, these five streetwise lads gesticulate like politicians on speed.
Sadly for us there is just a bit too much armpit hair for this video to be taken seriously.
We hate to stereotype, but most young men would hope the summertime of their lives would be one long alcohol-fuelled party filled with hot, naked women.
Not this greasy-haired lot. Amidst the tropical blue waters, these crazy kids mostly like to go fishing, fake tan and practice their atrocious dance routines on a floating plank in the ocean. Right.
It all seems to be getting back on track when they start playing with a football, but then they all turn into dolphins and the whole thing just becomes totally ridiculous.
In essence, far too many bloody dolphins to even be considered cool.
These body rolling, hip gyrating randy young guys have a little something for us, and it seems to be the world’s most uncomfortable video.
Not only does it feel terribly imposing as they bump and grind their way through this haunting track, but there seems to be one member of this shirtless four-piece who has been drafted in simply so the camera can take close-ups of his pelvis.
Seeing as there actually only appears to be about four lines in the whole song, you would think that each member of MN8 would have managed to learn all the lyrics. Sadly this is not the case. If you can bare to watch this video carefully, you will notice that each one of these horny fellows can only sing their one designated line.
In the beginning this video actually seems like it is going to be quite cool, with the band members introduced in a set of Manga-style freezes.
Sadly the focus of the video then becomes a troupe of gender-confused Koreans trying out ballet steps in the middle of a hellish thunder storm.
Whoever was responsible for the make-up and wardrobe on this production needs firing, because no man wearing a backless top and a pearly necklace should ever be singing a song called ‘Ayy Girl.’
The health and safety team must have been having a nightmare when Boyzone made this video, because essentially all it involves is the band standing around in a room rammed full of lit candles with enough hairspray on to set the whole place alight.
The Irish crooners might not have been anywhere near as fancy-footed as Michael Flatley, but a few movements from the boys to reassure us they were actually still awake might have been nice.
The cameraman doesn’t help proceedings as he only ever manages to get half a head into each frame, and in fact seems to forget that Stephen Gately was even in the band.
‘Girl you know that you are the only one for me and girl, girl, and girl you’re the one from my fantasies.’
We really hope we are wrong about what he means by Fingerbang!
Not only is this a shockingly bad video, but this geeky outfit are like a talentless Jackson Five on helium.
The choreography leaves the five lads looking more Carlton Banks than the King of Pop, and each members utter refusal to look straight at the camera makes the whole thing a bit awkward.
Then the rap kicks in and the kid wearing the red jumper appears to have some sort of excitement-induced seizure as he body pops along to the 80’s beat.
This videos goes straight in at number one, and is proof that despite the lyrics to the song, Take That should not do what they like and that there is a need to worry!
The young popstars are kitted out in more leather than you’d find at a Harley Davidson convention, and wiggle their way through some pretty dodgy dance moves whilst Howard and Jason gyrate their metal-clad pelvis’ in a manner that is quite repugnant.
But it rapidly transforms into a surreal, homo-erotic jelly wrestling nightmare, where a bleach blonde Gary Barlow is caught enjoying cream being massaged into his body with a perverse smile on his face that even Joseph Fritzel would consider offensive.