The Diary Of Simon Cowell: Life After Shirlena

This year’s show is finally up and running and to be honest, there were times when I didn’t think we would make it! Don’t know if I will bother hiring women for my next project – they are nothing but trouble! The less said about Sharon the better and although I get on with both Dannii and Cheryl, they have both been breaking my balls recently. First I had Dannii whinging about maternity leave (can’t believe that sacking a lady for getting pregnant is illegal!) and then Cheryl went and caught malaria. I thought she might have been milking it a little bit, but if you even think about questioning her the tabloid press will literally feed you to Rupert Murdoch! She is more popular than a cookie stall at the Notting Hill carnival.

Hopefully no more dramas and we can get on with the task at hand: beating that hippy Zack De La Rocha to Christmas No.1. Can’t believe him and his machine put on a free concert last month! What a bunch of idiots! Really pleased with the new contestants though. We have a lady called Shirlena who sang a rather odd version of Mercy by Duffy. At least I think that’s what it was, it was hard to pay attention because she kept chatting about her daughter. I thought she was bloody awful, but she was very alternative and that’s all that really matters in the music industry. Louis looked a bit concerned..

Apparently Shirlena lied on her X Factor application! It turns out that she’s not talented at all, but madder than Emma Chawner‘s boyfriend. I have to admit that her rubbish singing and slightly unnerving routine raised my suspicions at the weekend but I didn’t want to say anything. She seemed so zeitgeist. But the last thing we want is another SuBo on our hands! The bloody liberals went mental about that whole thing, but I stick by what I said at the time: “I’m going to earn loads of money out of this so shut the hell up…”

Spoke to Tom Cruise on the phone for an hour this evening. Thinking of joining his special club for rich people. I was always very good at science during my school days…

Another bloody drama this morning! Might have to chuck Katie out of the contest as well! We’re going to have no one left at this rate! Turns out she already has a contract with some trumpet mob in America. Why does everyone have to lie on their application forms? I mean you wouldn’t lie on your CV would you?!

More bad press about the auto-tune technology we used to make the proles sound less awful as well this afternoon. No one complained when we used it on Jedward last year, luckily they were so terrible that no one even realised. I’m still paying for the people who heard their real singing voices to have counselling. Bloody Jedward. People have been getting very upset on their Facebooks about the whole thing but the truth is that we can’t make a show without that kind of voice-masking equipment. Otherwise you end up with an ugly winner like we did in Pop Idol a couple of years back. That bird promised she’d lose weight as well…

Louis called me late whinging about getting the worst category again. Well that’s what he gets for choosing Jedward last year. What’s he going to do anyway? Leave the show?! Hahaha I’d like to see him try!

Sh*t! It’s all over the papers that Louis is thinking of leaving the show!

Sat in all day eating Wotsits (which complemented my tan nicely) and watching TV. Jedward have their own show now! It’s just them living in a plush flat and being rubbish at using the microwave. Un-f**king-believable!

Managed to quell the rebellion from Walsh this morning, it wasn’t easy but eventually he agreed to stay on for another couple of years if I stopped giving him ugly contestants and had a booster seat fitted for him on the judge’s table. On my way home I started thinking about Shirlena and how much publicity we will be missing out on by cutting her out of the show. Damn those social welfare officials! We need to find another SuBo from somewhere and fast. Maybe I could give Cat Lady a call? Perhaps she could slam plastic dustbin lids a bit like Stomp? Must make a mental note to track down her agent…