The Royal Wedding By Numbers.. (Or 15 Totally Made-Up Statistics)


4: The number of people attending the wedding who have just one surname.

436: Messages from Sarah Ferguson on Buckingham Palace’s answer machine.

1: Number of parents Prince Harry has in common with Prince William.

6: Former ‘Poshest Person in Britain’ winners will be attending the ceremony this weekend. Lord Cuthbert Roualeyn Hovell-Thurlow-Knobbing-Toffington won the prize this year after branding Margaret Thatcher a ‘hippy’ and calling for the government to replace all Job Centres with Dickensian workhouses. He beat off stiff competition Mumford & Sons.

1: The number of nostrils Tara Palmer-Tomkinson had before her pre-wedding nose job.

3: Number of Royal Marriages in the last three centuries in which neither the bride nor groom have been German.

725: The amount of tenuous news stories the Daily Mail will be running on the wedding between now and Friday. Expect headlines like: “Kate Buys Something From Shop”, “10 Socks That Prince William Might Wear On The Big Day” and “Immigrants Hideous Plot To Eat Kate’s First Child Unmasked!”

56,428: The number of Police Officers recruited from around the country to patrol the Royal Wedding route on Friday..

6: The number of police officers left looking after the rest of the country.

One: [wuhn] –noun. A term used by aristocrats and dunderheads when referring to themselves or posturing with other members of the ruling class. Eg. “One thought Diana was bad, but then he married her! She’s got a face like a Dali painting!”, “Just because one is the Queen doesn’t mean one likes Freddie Mercury – get the DJ in here now..” and “One could have you killed by the way..”

One: What Prince William told his friends he wanted to give Kate Middleton after they first met..

Zero: The tolerance the rozzers will have for any young anarchist looking to cause trouble, lob missiles or denounce the monarchy with a harsh but rather cutting placards on the day of the wedding.

17: The number of wraps Prince Harry has ordered for the after-party..

20%: Of the population realised that they could get an 11 day holiday just by booking three days off next week.

7: Amount of times per hour those people have been mentioning how clever they were to spot this little opportunity in the run up to the bank holiday.