The TV Shows Mashups We’d Like to See

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River Cottage feat. Man vs. Food

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall shows us around his beautiful kitchen garden, teaching us how to prepare a fresh seasonal salad of Swiss chard and soybeans, before crafting an organic vegetarian goat’s cheese tart for the whole Village Fête the next day.

Adam Richman shows up at the fête in a muscle car and devours the tart in under four minutes, throwing up the devil horns at the camera and high-fiving OAPs. He becomes confused when the crowd just stand there in awkward silence, rather than chanting “MAN VS. FOODâ€?. Hugh starts crying. Perennially uncomfortable viewing

One Born Every Minute vs Take Me Out

One lucky single lady descends in the love lift, attempting to impress 30 squealing men. Over the course of her round, the lady tries to convince the guys that she’s the right person to help carry on their genetic line, through a sequencing of her genome to show she’s free of inheritable disorders, and by changing a nappy in under 20 seconds.

The happy couple head off to Fernandos, conceive a child, and we get to see a fly-on-the-wall account of the labour. Heart-warming documentary meets banter-filled light entertainment.

Ross Kemp in Kavos

‘Ross Kemp in Afghanistan’ astounded audiences by showing how a pretend hard-man soap actor can keep his cool when surrounded by flying bullets and exploding bombs. Let’s see how he manages in a place even more chaotic than the Afghan front line: a sweaty nightclub in Kavos with a group of 17 year old boys from Walthamstow desperate to lose their virginity. Kemp loses his macho reputation after a two-for-one special on Apple Sourz at Tuesday night karaoke helps reveal a dazzling mezzo soprano. Contains scenes of an explicitly sexual and violent nature.

Question Time with Graham Norton

Emeli Sandé, Jessica Ennis, the stars of ‘The Great British Bake Off’ and the Shadow Minister for Energy, Caroline Flint join Graham on the sofa for a chat. The Minister thinks she’s getting a question from the audience, but it’s just someone asking Jess who the fittest member of One Direction is.

The Shadow Minister grows visibly uncomfortable and wishes she was still an idealistic young undergrad at Cambridge. She later tries to direct the conversation towards the future of nuclear energy in Britain, but Graham just makes another sexual pun and she forgets what she was going to say. Music by Maroon 5.

Mad Men vs Skins

All the class and suaveness of the Sterling Cooper boys, except they’re constantly drinking, fighting, smoking, taking drugs, having sex… actually, this one would be exactly the same.

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