Things We’ve Learnt From the New Die Hard Mini-Trailer

A new mini-trailer for the fifth Die Hard film has just come out, so I thought I’d see what could be gleaned from it. It definitely won’t just be a string of ‘Yippee-ki-ay’ and ‘Ran out of bullets’ jokes , that’s for sure.

A Good Day to Die Hard opens in the UK and the US on February 14th, and a week later in France, presumably because they ran out of billets.


Let’s have a look…

1) The trailer opens over a city at night, a helicopter still operational in the sky. What’s going on Bruce?

2) The helicopter is immediately put to good use dropping truck no: 135 on this rebellious youth who is ‘raving’. Are you gonna stand for this McClane?

3) We don’t know yet, because next we cut to an even greater tragedy than the accidental truck-squashing of one of our nation’s children, as this bloke wears a grey suit on ‘Wear a Black Suit for Cancer Research’ day and feels like a bell end. To cover his embarrassment he pretends to take a call on his mobile. In honour of the return of Die Hard I shall call this first dude in a suit Yuppie Guy A.

4) Moments later, we see another bloke in a suit (Yuppie Guy B), accompanied by a beautiful but presumably deadly woman in a black dress, standing around inside a giant block of cheese, or possibly state-funded regional art gallery. Either way, it’s Swiss.

5) Meanwhile, Bruce Willis’s bum, the most American bum in the world, confronts the ultimate American Choice: half-naked woman, cake, or gun? Which does he take? The gun. Obviously. What is he, gay?

Well, actually, since you ask, there have been rumours, but there have also been Rumers, so hard to say. Anyway, it’s not like he goes out of the way to display his hypermasculinity….

6) Wait…

7) Okay, well maybe…Incidentally, this is the only way that Bruce Willis can sleep.

8) Meanwhile, this bum appears. It is young and female and the last time I saw leather that tight it was on a cow.

9) The leather bum has a body attached! And it’s wearing a bikini under that cat-suit. Clearly, she’s been waylaid travelling to the beach on her motorcycle, and had to combine appropriate swim wear with adequate safety gear. There’s no other explanation.

The idea that this is just an unsophisticated attempt to appeal to young men’s sex drives is in no way backed up by the crude diagram the producers have put up in the background in case anyone’s forgotten the basics of how sex works.

That’s just as well for their wives, ‘cause Ann Summers have run out of bullets…

10) Anyway, enough of this female character nonsense, two seconds later a dude gets punched through a piano. Afterwards, the baddie says, “stop tinkling the DIEvories!â€? and laughs maniacally. At least I think that’s what he said, I couldn’t hear over the EXPLOSIONS!

11) Not to be outdone, Brucie punches a man who is potentially a baddie’s face so hard he grows a goatee, a permanent reminder of Willis’s judgement upon him.

12) With what is possibly one of the antagonists punched in the face, and a goatee designating for the future convenience of others that he is an evil character, the trailer ends with a pictorial representation of the man who’s just been punched by Willis trying to count to five.

Looks fun.