Things We’ve Learnt From….The New Jack Reacher Trailer

The second trailer’s just been released for Jack Reacher, the film adaptation of Lee Child’s thriller about the 6’5â€? Military Police Officer with the 50â€? chest. But where is this giant, this behemoth who walks among us, this titan who breathes the rarefied air at the sky’s ceiling?

1) There he is! Jesus, look at him! He’s huge! Someone check the local zoos! Which David shall slay this mighty Goliath? Which vegetables does this angry white giant grow? Oh please, please be on the good side, ye mighty surveyor of the furthest horizons!

2) Oh thank God, he’s American.

3) And heterosexual! Finally, a hero I can admire.

4) But who’s this? He turns up in full camouflage gear, and only appears on screen for a few seconds, but we suspect from the blurb that this is the wrongfully-accused sniper preparing to take his deserved revenge in what’s essentially a suicide mission. His only chance is to blend into the crowd. I don’t know his name, so I will call him the Camo-Cameo Karma Kamikaze Chameleon.

5) Meanwhile, Tom Cruise briefly halts filming to check on his remaining eggs, from which one day more of his young will spawn.

6) As he stands up again, a camera man tries to get a face-on shot but is dwarfed by the Herculean actor, born to play the part.

7) I mean, Imagine how far away one would have to be to make the gargantuan Reacher look this small. Of course, in Reacher’s world, it helps to be a bit on the large side, because in his world….

8) …everything is a target.

At this point in the trailer, you begin to tire of the irony of Cruise playing the humongous character, and wonder if he actually makes a good Reacher. You ask the Universe for a sign….

9) Thanks Universe!

10) Meanwhile, Reacher, tired of our bull shit, jumps into his car and threads the needle at 3,000 Revs Per Minute, roughly the number of vodka bars Amy Winehouse visited when she was a fresher.

11) He’s pursued by the police, who despite knowing that he is Jack Reacher, a military policeman with an impeccable record, will always think of him as a Maverick. In a clever move, Reacher gets out of the car and tries to blend into the crowd…

12) …where by the magic of a baseball cap and a man standing partially in front of him….

13)…he’s completely disappeared!

14) Finally, as the search helicopter flies overhead looking for the vanished Reacher, the producers resist the temptation to include a knowing reference to the fact this is completely implausible.