Things We’ve Learnt From The Skyfall Trailer…

With Adele releasing a sneak preview of the new Bond theme, and the 23rd instalment of the franchise on its way in a few weeks, we thought we’d have a quick look at the trailer to find out what to expect..

1) The Skyfall trailer opens with M on her computer, having somehow banished the black screen with green writing virus that blights movie computers, and typing up Bond’s obituary. Could Bond be dead, and the 23rd film just be a montage of old clips followed by an honest discussion of the possible necessity of a state funeral? Spoiler alert: He’s probably alive.

2) We don’t know yet, but what we do know is that M has only gone and pulled a James Purnell and lost a hard drive with details of all the undercover spies’ whereabouts on it, making life difficult for everyone, not least the unfortunately-named Ben Daheer, whose life was probably hard enough already.

3) But, ho ho! What’s this? Only two types of people routinely travel on top of trains, poor Indian Sub-continent commuters and James Bonds. He’s alive!

4) No, wait, dead again. And he looks fat. Surely things couldn’t get any worse for the poor guy?

5) But what’s this? As the last gasps of air in his lungs disappear, Bond thinks back to the words of his trusty Irish priest and realises he has too much to atone for to die right now. Plus, he’s already done it once in this trailer and enough is enough.

6) Meanwhile, M looks out over the tables ready for her Diamond Jubilee street party and contemplates the gargantuan catering task in front of her. Bond gets shot off the top of the train, when he could’ve just sat inside and snuck into first class like the rest of us, and there she is left holding the sandwich bags.

7) Back at the office, Bond appears on BBC’s Panorama in silhouette and with his voice altered to protect his identity to complain about Mi6 working conditions. He cites long hours, extensive travel, and having to appear in Quantum of Solace.

8) During the interview, Bond for some reason has a bit of a flashback about drinking in a bar and then trapping a scorpion under a glass, like a boss. I wonder if this will be somehow symbolic in a way that is revealed 20 seconds later?

9) Back on duty, undercover in an art gallery, Bond talks to a school child who’s bought him a present…

10) A gun?! How did you know?!

11) Underground somewhere, Bond’s put the child’s gun to good use trapping baddie José Foreign, sorry Raoul Silva, in a giant tank. I wonder where he got that idea? Anyway, whilst inside, the villain will be forced to collect as many swirling tokens as he can in the given time otherwise all the crystals will be worth nothing, and he’ll be stuck there until Richard O’Brien lets him out.

12) With the mission complete, stressed out by the daily commute to Spy Towers, and inspired by a Billy Elliot: The Musical poster, Bond decides to jack in spying and become a dancer, like he always dreamed he would, before he got tied down by spying and child support payments to the improbably-named mothers of his 23 children.

Can’t wait.