Every person with a half a brain and access to a keyboard in Tellyland has been chatting about the Saturday night ratings battle incessantly over the past month, yet scripted reality fans know that the most important television tussle is being fought by the plum-mouthed aristos from Chelsea and the dangerously orange inhabitants of Essex. Like every good mother, we at OTB love each of these two shows exactly the same, but thought it would be fun to have a little competition to see who the real Kings and Queens of this new genre really are..
TOWIE: We all feared there would be a massive Mark & Kirk-shaped hole in the Sugar Hut VIP area this year, but new characters such as Ricky (not quite Mr Wright but certainly Mr Wright Now for for half the girls out East) Diags (Arg’s protege) and Georgina (Amy Childs 2.0) have all proved popular with fans since coming in recently. All we need now is a girl called Tina. Then they can engineer a scene where someone can sing ‘Don’t Cry For Me Arg and Tina’.. *gets coat*. Points: 9
MIC: Many of the original characters remain and they can still do the business. As long as that business involves wearing jumpers over your shoulders and never cooking for yourself. Which it does, so it’s fine. We have to single Mark Francis out as our favourite because he makes The Queen look like a chav and is also hilarious into the deal, but the newest recruits are yet to impress. God-bothering Kimberley may have proved popular with the lads, but she’s been branded a ‘vlut’ (a virgin who pretends to be a slut) on Twitter. Unlike TOWIE who have Gemma, they also lack an ‘odd one out’. Maybe we’ll be seeing some unemployed working class urchin join the group as a novelty friend soon? Points: 8
TOWIE: First came the Vajazzle – a term coined by Amy Childs in the first series – which roughly translates as ‘a blinged-up, diamond encrusted lady garden’, but it wasn’t long before Joey Essex brought the word ‘reem’ to the nation’s attention, and no this had nothing to do with any male genitalia. TOWIE fans have never looked back since… they’re all too busy looking reem, smelling reem and.. well you get the idea. As for the rest of the Essexers, their sentences are mostly constructed from the phrases ‘shaaat up!’,’ ‘100 per cent,’ and ‘totally babe.’ Errr, reem? 8
MIC: Not many of this lot will be bothering The Eggheads any time soon, actually none of them will, but they were all privately educated and their pronunciation is the product of years of elecution lessons and an exceptional sense of self-entitlement. That said, this moneyed bunch are just as quick to form their own sloane-ranger slang. ‘Totes’, ‘Obvs,’ and ‘darling’ are the obvious choices, but it’s their off the cuff remarks that really tickle us pink. Some of our favourites so far have been Binky’s “F**king wish I had a pug!”, Gabby’s “I feel like I’m going to cry when I think of skiing”, and last but not least, Mark Francis’ “I can do trash, I can do biker, I can do Valentino”. Points: 10 TBH.
TOWIE: The economy may well be on it’s way down the toilet, but anyone selling fake-tan in Brentwood has been making money faster than someone selling cookies in Amsterdam. This lot get through it like water and sometimes you feel that if a top-hatted candy entrepreneur arrived in town, it would be impossible to tell the difference between the show and Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Meanwhile, their veneers are visible from outer-space and we’ve also had our first bum implant. Which is worth an extra point on it’s own.. 8
MIC: Pea-coats, boat shoes and well-coiffed hair are the order of the day for the gents of West London, although this lot will wear anything that comes with a designer label and brain-addling price-tag. But only once. Hunting rifles, servant whips and union-jack decked jaguars also help complete the look. Suffice to say, Spenny & Co often look like they live in the fashion pages of GQ. The ladies are just as hip and can rarely be seen without deep designer handbags. After all, Daddy’s cash won’t carry itself down to Bond Street. 8
VERDICT: It’s a close call but MIC pips it’s rival by a single point 26 – 25. Which do you prefer?