Vampires Are Dead Fashionable, So Why Are They All So Miserable?

Sigh. What happened? When did vampires lose their way? Personally I blame Joss Whedon. Before Buffy, it was okay to say you liked vampires — they were creepy, dark and frightening. But then came Angel — the one with the big forehead who whined about how much he didn’t deserve to live. Well… three tear-soaked seasons and a spin-off later, he was still there; howling about how much better off everyone would be if he was just dead.

And it only got worse.

With the imminent arrival of Breaking Dawn Part 2 in November, I’m reminded that it’s not okay to like vampires anymore. Admitting you like vampires now lumps you with the group of pre-pubescent girls who think Dracula is written in Old English and that being a ‘creature of the night’ is just one big angst-fest.

In reality, there is literally nothing bad about being a vampire anymore. You are super-strong, super-fast and super-hot. Forever. So why, oh why, does the modern-day vampire mope around all day? Why do I always expect Edward Cullen to start ripping out his perfect “bronzeâ€? (since when was that a hair colour?) locks, screaming that he doesn’t deserve them?

Perhaps the thing that pisses me off the most is the fact that every story is the same. Twilight: Immortal 17 year-old tries to stay away from mortal 17 year-old because he’s evil and doesn’t deserve her. Vampire Diaries: Immortal 17 year-old tries to stay away from mortal 17 year-old because he is evil and doesn’t deserve her — oh, but this time he’s fighting his even more evil vampire brother for her affection. True Blood: A bit better seeing as the girl in question is now in her twenties, but do we still have a lame 100 year-old crying about how much he shouldn’t love her? Yep. (Why are they always so awkward? Shouldn’t they be Olympians at small talk? You’re five hundred years old, for god’s sake. What have you been doing all this time?)

All in all, it now seems that if you’re a vampire you must long to be human… even though we can be violent, amoral and selfish and we don’t sparkle even a little. But if a vampire realises their life is actually pretty cool, they are immediately the villain and must be destroyed. Hmmm..

Just… give me Lestat back. Please.