What The Hell Is….Emmerdale’s 40th Anniversary Special?

Age: Well, 40….

Appearance: Every night at 7pm, around dusk, like a badger.

Haven’t they all been shot? Fine, it appears in the early evening, like a badger would do, if it hadn’t been shot.

Thank you. Anyway, I mean what does it look like? Oh – northern. And wearing a party hat.

Party hats?! What’s to celebrate? Two disastrous weddings, two babies born into unhappy families and a high probability of someone dying, all filmed live tonight!

I’ll get the bubbly… It’s not all bad, you know.

Oh yeah? Yeah, Scouting For Girls are going to play, one of the actors will be out of work, and it’s going to last for a full hour! Okay….I see your point.

Well, a bit of music might be alright I suppose, who else is playing?
Glad you asked, there’s a set from Wedding Industry Award (Entertainment Sector) winners Hip Operation!

I see, is Hip Operation a cryptic nod to how one of them will pop his or her clogs? Not likely, mate, not unless they’re having the hip operation as the result of leaping out of the bedroom window of their lover’s flaming house still wearing a Soviet uniform and screaming “The baby’s yours, the baby’s yours, your sperm accidentally splashed on me in the bus crash last week!â€?

Did that happen?! I don’t know, I don’t watch it.

Well, say it does happen, who’s going to be the one wearing the top half of a flaming Eastern Bloc uniform? Our sources reckon it’ll be Chas, or Cain, or Carl, or Debbie, or Gennie.

You don’t know, do you? It’s more than that.

You don’t care? Bingo.