X Factor: Simon Cowell’s Live Blog..

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5.00 Hello OTB readers! Welcome to my account of this evening’s X Factor Live Show. Please don’t send me any of your emails. I don’t enjoy them and an alarming amount of you use absolutely no punctuation. Anyway, it’s an important night for all the contestants, but it’s also an important night for yours truly. I was proper annoyed when I got the group category this year but after bending, rearranging and then reconstructing the rules, I’ve managed to produce two half-decent outfits. However Louis is screwed. Even Jose Mourinho wouldn’t be able to turn that lot around.

5.10 On my way to make-up when I saw Wagner heading outside for a cigarette. Decided to follow him and have a word in his ear about tonight’s performance. The last thing we need is another Jedward on our hands. Having said that, it might already be too late.

5.11 I was just about to launch into a withering tirade which would have rendered poor Wagner unable to perform when he offered me a drag on his cigarette…

6.40 Spent the last hour-and-a-half smoking marijuana with Wagner, he is an awesome bloke and he’s got some brilliant ideas let me tell you! Although I have to admit I find the concept of ‘Karma’ very unsettling. Unfortunately Louis came out and ruined the buzz when he started shouting at poor Wagner and forcing him off to make-up. I couldn’t stop laughing though… Louis’s face!

6.55 After sending my PA to fetch a crate of McVities, I started to think about this evening’s show. This is usually the week when I begin throwing in a few tactical snipes, but I really don’t think I can manage it this evening. Feeling proper chilled. I’m even looking forward to Mary!

7.45 Make up was so long. And no sign of that take-away I ordered either! Decided to go for the extra open-necked shirt in the end. My normal ones feel too restrictive. I’m also coming up with some great ideas about capitalism and the world as a whole. Why doesn’t everyone just give away all their possessions and live together in harmony sharing the fruits of their labours? No need to write all this down, I’m sure I’ll remember it after the show…

8.30 My god! I never realised how much rubbish there is in between each of these performances. This thing is going to go on for another hour-and-a-half as well! God knows how the people at home keep up with it. I wish I was backstage with Wagner. I thought I saw him fashioning a bong out of a bottle of Louis’s Evian during the adverts.

9.00 Rebecca and Matt were amazing! Can’t believe we’ve actually managed to find a couple of people who can sing in this godforsaken country. Cher was bloody mental, no wonder Cheryl looks so stressed! She could do with a cigarette and bit of Bob Marley. Even Belle Amie were quite good. I forgot they were still in the competition to be honest…

9.30 Wagner just gave the performance of his life! I’ve seen a whole new side to that man today. He’s like a hairy Buddha with a strange necklace. Aiden’s was extremely intense. He was making me a bit paranoid towards the end. Called the producer after his song and told him we would need to schedule an extra advert break because my pizza had turned up. Unfortunately the delivery boy bumped into Mary on his way to the stage and there were only a couple of slices left by the time he got up here…

10.00 One Direction were brilliant. Those cute little middle-class urchins are going to make me another couple of million. The beauties! Louis was looking sick as a pig at the end of the evening. If it hadn’t been for Wagner, his night would have been an utter disaster! Mary and John were okay, but they’re no SuBo. Although Mary does look a little bit like Dawn French… Got to go now, Wagner has the new FIFA in his dressing room.

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