Big Brother Review: Z-List Car Crash TV

After all the hype and rumours, we finally found out last night who entered the Big Brother house. It was a big night for Brian Downling, with the ‘Ultimate Housemate’ replacing Davina as the host of the franchise.

On paper, the show appears to be a rip roaring success already, with 5.1m viewers tuning in last night bringing Channel 5 its biggest ever audience share to date. In reality, it was car crash television.

Brian Downling was as wooden and stationary as a park bench. His jokes were few and far between, and he just looked awkward and out of his depth. The sound was also completely out of sync, leaving Brian standing there talking into a microphone looking like he was miming worse than Britney Spears.

The housemates, half of which are already well versed in reality television, were typically Z list, with Sally Bercow distinctly out of place amongst the desperate and the nobodies. Her face as she was talking to Amy Childs said it all – what has she let herself in for and why?! With parliament returning shortly, the Speaker will surely be a laughing stock in a similar fashion to the way George Galloway was ridiculed for his cat impression.

Tara Reid appeared shaky, kind of like she was on a substance of some kind. Either that or she was slurring like she had put her dentures in incorrectly. Kerry Katona looked skittish, and distinctly Jedward-like in her appearance. As for the terrible twins, they were their usual ‘weve-had-20-litres-of-Coca-Cola’ selves, leaping about the room like someone had put a red-hot poker up you know where. Apparently, they only get given a £20 per week allowance by their parents to get by. Surely this must all go on hair gel – heck, even their clothes are made by nutters, sorry, I mean their fans.

Amy Childs came across like she’s missed every year of school after year 3, Paddy Doherty was barely coherent, Pamela Bach Hasselhoff like a celebrity desperate to resurrect a long dead career. As for the other two, Bobby Sabel and Lucien Laviscount, I can’t comment, as I have no clue who they are. Channel 5 might as well have pulled two randoms of the street for all my knowledge…

Kerry Katona got the first task from Big Brother, being told to throw a tantrum like a diva in order to pass the initial test. Judging by the way that she was necking the champagne, I don’t think that will be too hard, despite park bench drama queen Brian worrying about how she will cope.

Overall, it’s awful television. Will it be watched by millions and on the front of papers every day? Without a shadow of a doubt. Welcome back Big Brother.