Braquo Review: Sex & Drugs & On Patrol

BRAQUO: Sunday 30th October, FX, 10pm

Just what we don’t need, another crime drama I thought to myself as I sat down to watch new French TV cop show Braquo, which starts Sunday 30th October on FX. Over the next hour I was confronted by rape, cocaine abuse, suicide, armed robbery, kidnapping and that was just the police. Midsomer Murders this ain’t.

Maybe Cameron was right; we shouldn’t join the single currency and create closer ties with Europe because they’re savages. To be honest, if anything, the criminals seemed more law abiding. The crack team of officers in this programme have “gone nativeâ€? in their quest to catch the bad guys.

It makes Taggart look like a particularly dour episode of The Bill, where PC Reg Hollis returns a stolen wheelchair to disabled child. But one thing this show did do was help me solve the problem of crime. Simply make everyone a police officer and let them get on with it, job done. I’ll be expecting my Nobel Peace Prize in the post.

All in all it was very entertaining stuff, although a couple of things unsettled me. The cliché of the angry police captain and “evilâ€? internal affairs department reared their ugly heads. Also the two main characters were called Max and Eddie, which made them sound like they were in Life on Mars and they both look like Kevin Spacey. I would have much preferred them to be called Francois and Didier, but these are minor gripes.

Anyway half way through, my problem was solved. Max shoots himself in the face because he has been accused of raping a rape suspect and taking out his eye with a pen, a classic case of an eye for an eye. He wasn’t concerned about the fact he blinded a suspect but was worried his mates might call him a “pansyâ€?. Perhaps the French haven’t dealt with gay rights. But maybe he topped himself because he knew his Kevin Spacey impression wasn’t as good as Eddie’s, I guess we will never know.

At one point another of the bent coppers gets out of bed, snorts some cocaine then says to his missus “I’m going to get a croissantâ€? and chips off to commit some crime. It occurred to me that must be the French version of “off to see a man about a dog.â€?

The one time they actually try to do some police work the suspect is released because they arrested him too late at night, which in France seems to be illegal – even when they try to do the right thing, they break the law. I could see that as a Daily Mail headline “Frogs release immigrant murderer because he was TIRED.â€?

I know it’s a bit Daily Star, but I bet you are all thinking the same thing, as it’s French there must be a bit of nudity. Well not to disappoint, I counted three set of breasts and two bare men’s bums. Vive La France! The programme appeared to be a Gallic version of the film Training Day, which is no bad thing. I for one will definitely be watching the next episode, if only to see if there are any other crimes left they can commit, I literally couldn’t think of any. Maybe they might go off message and actually do some police work. To be honest I really hope they don’t.