Britain’s Got Talent Final Review: Fix! Hang On..

Well, we all already knew Jai was going to win. No wait, that’s not right. Wasn’t Ronan supposed to win?

Britain’s Got Talent 2011 will be remembered for two things and two things only: dancing dogs, and that which must not be named for fear of a fate worse than death.

On with the show… First up was Steven Hall, whose act was basically waving his arms about to the backbeat of far too many tunes he has no-doubt never heard of. But, to be fair, it was quite fun if you pretended you were watching an episode of curb your enthusiasm where Larry David has walked into the wrong studio and inadvertently entered himself into a British talent contest.

Next was Michael Collin’s whose level of talent was evidenced by the fact the judges spent more time commenting on his dress sense than on his performance – probably because they’ve already seen it. Perhaps Michael was making a statement about the tired format and unoriginality of the entire show by rehashing his own rehash of Tracy Champan’s Fast car, but I’m guessing not.

After that Les Gibson tried and failed to impersonate the judging panel. Both his and James Hobley’s acts were instantly forgettable. Paul Gegbaje went against Simon’s advice and proved he has more talent than your average youtube cover pianist by taking a massive risk and playing an original piece. In the end even Simon had to admit the risk paid off.

Cowell couldn’t resist commenting on this week’s controversy surrounding Ronan Parke: “How are you doing, Ronan have you had a nice quiet week?â€? Which was somewhat ironic, given he hasn’t allowed anyone else to. Jean Martyn does not belong on TV, as Simon insinuated, she belongs at a seaside resort; Garish, tacky, terrible.

Decidedly average looking Jai McDowall once again demonstrated his huge voice in an opera-esque performance complete with backing choir. While Razy Gogonea, looking like an inverse Neo from The Matrix, jumped around a lot, set some ropes on fire and then swung them around a bit. Cowell was cutting as always: “You turned from a dancer into a circus performer.â€?

New Bounce, being children, are smaller than the other contestants, so it was only right of the producers to made them perform on a stage atop a stage, sadly the extra stage was the most interesting thing about their performance.

And the winner is… Jai McDowall. What? Surely there isn’t much money to be made off this man. You could almost see Cowell mentally counting the money he’d just lost due to the shock result. Cheer up Simon, at least now you can dedicate more time into hunting and killing finding and prosecuting the anonymous blogger who may have cost you millions.