Downton Series Finale: Part One

So it’s the end of the world … wait, no it’s only the end of the third series of Downton Abbey. But yes this pretty much is the same thing.

With only the promise of a Christmas episode to ease our suffering, Downton leaves our screens for what we can assume is another year.

So since a good year or so has passed in Abbey land I thought I’d have a look on what progress we’ve made along the road to happily ever after.

Part One

M&Ms get busy
Well you won’t have much success blending the name of Mary and Matthew into something twee and romantic (having the same surname would hinder this – eww), but if they lived ninety years in the future, M&M (almost twee) would no doubt be on the cover of OK more than Kate and Wills. After only a slight screaming match, M&M finally hot footed it down the aisle and all was lovely and spiffing until five minutes and a new car later when all they had to struggle against was financial ruin, baby-making issues, and Mary’s incessant bitchiness. Well apparently Mary’s sorted out her ladies bits (quite literally) and is all set to be an heir making machine … hopefully.

Duck face is … does anyone even care?
Poor plain old duck face (aka actually alright looking Edith) persuaded asymmetrical Strallen down the aisle but couldn’t get him to stay there as he legged it before you could say “I’m too saggy for you darlingâ€?. A stiff upper lip later and Edith slash Jane Eyre has got herself a job and is hitting on the editor with the invisible crazy wife. Hmm perhaps I’ll stick ‘Lady’ on the front of my name: the job offers would roll in. One expects we’ll see more of Editor Man at Christmas – let’s hope his crazy wife doesn’t burn down the Abbey.

Downton’s sexy voice gets laryngitis
Sybil and her commoner husband popped in and out of the series before Sybil caused heartache all round by popping her clogs just after popping out a baby. Tom promptly forgot all about being Irish and political and hating aristocracy and ends up joining the lovely rich Crawleys in a spot of cricket because, of course, that is what Sybil would have wanted. From burning down posh houses to hosting in his own series of ‘Country House Rescue’; you’ve changed man!

Meanwhile things are all getting a bit crap for Robert – last time the world changed this fast he almost shacked up with the maid. With a slight marital disaster in the middle, Sir Bob’s series revolved around his severe ineptitude with the finances: he’s so bad, he could almost be running a bank in 21st century Britain (on a par with ‘Yo muma so fat …’ isn’t it). Meanwhile he’s getting slowly and painfully castrated by the lovely Matthew. He relents of course – who can say no to those eyes – and all is well in cricket and the world … isn’t there a depression coming up soon though? I’ve heard it’s a great one.

Anna solves it
Bates’ lawyer was a bit crap so it took ladies maid Anna and most of the series to get Bates out of those dreary prison scenes. A bit of random prison enemies stuff and some grassing up of grass (which probably was only grass) to slow up the plot, and Bates is finally free to live in a cottage with Anna and maybe have some babies.

Part Two to follow…