Even the most committed of Royal fanatics would fail to have their interest piqued by Inside The Royal Wedding, because this p*ss-poor documentary from Blighty gets as far inside the Royal Wedding as a guy in a KATE 4 WILLS t-shirt trying to tunnel under the reinforced hedge at Clarence House.
OK, so, that was a given. The Royal wedding is a pretty f*cking top secret operation, and it’s not like Blighty has got an invite. Even so, with all the camp and pomp nonsense surrounding the affair, I was expecting a frothy, funny documentary about prepping the Big Day with quotes from wedding planners, those low-grade comedians that always pop up on ‘I Love The 90s’, and K-Wills’s posho St Andrews hangers-on. Instead I got 45 minutes of carriage mechanics, a baffling how-to-cook rack of ribs section and what felt like decades of a woman putting flowers in a vase, struggling to remember Prince Charles’s name.
The material is thinner on the ground than William’s remaining hair follicles. The same four clips of the pair, walking, holding hands, smiling and getting in to cars were repeated as a monotonous overture to posh women saying things like “she’s the first commoner to marry a Royal for 300 years, so there will be middle class people [her eyes widen] at Westminster Abbey, alongside the usual array of Royals and aristocrats.” Sh*t off! Will there? Does the Queen know?
The editor of Majesty magazine (it exists) also reveals that the wedding will be well rehearsed and timed exactly, and that Diana almost caused pandemonium by arriving 32 seconds late for her wedding! Haha, the stupid bitch! Of the wedding reception, she imagines that William will probably want to “get all his favourite rappers” to play, and the house will “rock like its never rocked before.” Yeah, I can really imagine the Queen dutty wining to Kevin Federline.
Other enthralling stuff happens, like a man who makes cakes making one (for ten minutes), and a woman who isn’t designing the wedding dress telling us what she thinks it might be like. Oh, and they’ve weirdly found a Kate lookalike, who gets her hair done by a man who isn’t doing the Royal hair, but who thinks it might be done like that. Plus they repeat the same clips and quotes at the beginning and at the end, leading me to double check whether I’d accidentally skipped backwards. I hadn’t, I just don’t think the producers expected anyone to get that far without slipping out of conciousness.