Masterchef 2012: Episode One Live-Blog

Wallace could smell pudding at 50 paces..
MASTERCHEF: Tuesday 17th January, BBC1, 9pm

Preamble: After bizarrely consigning Masterchef to the daytime schedule last time out and putting enough stress on the iPlayer to break the very fabric of the internet in the process, Masterchef is back in its rightful place this evening. And by rightful place, of course we mean rightful time-slot, which is bad news for food-loving students and unemployed people alike. Yet things are slightly different this year and for the last couple of months, Gregg Wallace – and to a lesser extent John Torode – have been tasting the dishes of thousands of hopefuls without listening to any backstory maguffin.. (“If I win it’ll mean so much to my old man – he ate himself to death” – “This is my lucky egg-timer” blah blah blah) ..before shortlisting 24 people for this week’s heats. It almost sounds like the culinary version of The Voice doesn’t it? This doesn’t last for long though and pretty soon we’re introduced to the the first eight contestants, four of whom will be sent home to lament their rubbish stir-fry or whatever. Continues tomorrow and apparently for the rest of recorded time. Join us at 9pm folks..

We’re off! Gregg and John seem to be standing on one of the stalls in Albert Square, and now we think of it that bloke who “thinks he can win itâ€? looks a bit like Phil Mitchell. Gregg looks delighted – perhaps he’s thinking about his dinner.

You can’t practice an invention test says Gregg. He’s not wrong. Let’s meet Shilena (??) who’s given up her job to become a chef. What does Gregg think of her food? He “Loves it, Loves it, Loves it!â€? ..From a man who goes misty-eyed over a cold Ginsters, that’s not saying much.

Gregg loved the food in Mauritius. Quelle Suprisé..

“The new series of Masterchef is post-watershed. That’s because in the first ep, Gregg strips off and motorboats a startled John #masterchef” says Sue Perkins on Twitter. She sounds familiar somehow..

Phil Mitchell is actually called Eamon, who missed out last year. He’s back. He’s like a bald middle-aged Amelia Lily..

Yorkshire plasterer Tom is a ‘natural chef’ says Gregg, despite the fact that he has no idea what he’s cooking.

“COOKING. DOESN’T. GET. MORE. AIRTIME. THAN THIS.” says brokenbottleboy

Emma is next up, she was taught to cook by her old man and she’s cooking lemon tart, which is ‘brave’.

On the other side of the Masterchef Warehouse Kitchen is Alec, who has a strange accent. His mum was English so obviously he was brought up on meat cabbage and potatoes. Unlike Emma, who was presumably fed nothing but fried mars bars and Irn Bru by her dad.

Christine next and she tells us that she wants to eat and feed people for the rest of her life. We took the first for granted in all honesty. John then tells us that she’s mistaken a sole for a plaice.. or possibly the other way around. It’s been a long day and I’ve been drinking. Anyway not a good start for young Christine.

And representing Japan is Aki! ..Oh right, she’s as English as binge-drinking and crap summer weather. John says he doesn’t want to see her bedroom. Off camera his pants catch fire.

Ross is also from Scotland, he’s cooking a fish. Probably in batter with mushy peas.

Shilena is first up and as we saw she’s gone for chicken. Not bad (for street food – miaoww!!)

“Aki basically just offered Gregg & John the cheeky bang, should of got involved chaps #Masterchef” says Biggestlew on Twitter. Indeed.

Eamon is pulling out all the stops and it seems to be paying off for him. “Where were you last year?“ Says John.. He’s definitely Amelia Lily, but then he could be the civilian Phil Vickery. Big, weird ears, skilfull hands, humble manner. Keep your eyes on this one folks.. We reckon he’s through. Shilena could be on thin ice.

Tom has invented a dish. A bold tactic, but he’s only gone and pulled it off. Is Wallace actually cheering food? Meanwhile John has foodgasm. We doubt Tom will be plastering much any time soon. The same can’t be said of the judges, who seem to have plastered the inside of their pants.

Emma has played the percentages by giving Gregg a pudding. Unbelievably, it’s not worked out. #out?

Words you don’t want to hear from the judges.. “However..â€? and “Basicâ€? ..But will Alec’s faux tears get him through? Gregg’s heart isn’t made of stone! (It’s made of pie)

“Someone from the north has cooked a meal! Can you believe it. #Masterchef” says NadiaShireen

Christine’s blown it. But then she didn’t even know what she was cooking..

Aki should stay in for her sex faces alone.. Put her through!

And lastly it’s Ross. He’s cooked a “tasty flatâ€? fish. Wallace doesn’t like his cheek..

True that Wallace?! TRU THAT!?!?!?!

“@OntheBox ‘you are getting a next time are you?’ Greg then blows off Ross’s head with a sawnoff #masterchef” says AaronChild on Twitter

Someone’s going home. Get the Snow Patrol CD out..

Eamon, Aki and John’s new boyfriend Tom are through. Tom’s out, he’ll be crying for weeks. Ross and Shilena are also through, they can both consider themselves very lucky..

Christine’s also out. If I was nasty, I’d say she looked out of plaice! You see? because she cooked a… oh nevermind.

Now they’re off to the professional kitchen. Tom looks calm. We reckon he could give someone salmonella and stay in the competition right now.

Ian Pengelly is talking. Apparently he’s a pretty big deal. He also hates fingerprints..

“@OntheBox I get the feeling you’re at home writing this in your pants?” saysnathanrodgers on Twitter. Lies. We have no clean pants left.

Impending disaster music. People walking into restaurants. Shouting. Aki gets a bollocking. This shit is getting real now.

Ross is getting both barrels from Pengally. He could be skating on thin ice here. Eamon has also blown it. He’s cost Pengally a couple of customers. You know that if the cameras weren’t there he’d flay one of his minions to within an inch of their life.

“I’d like to see this Head Chef hack it in a Harvester, how would he deal with my request for baked beans instead of peas?”

“Is it really necessary to act like a total cock, to be a London chef? It’s only dinner!” says Neilthenoise. Pengally’s getting some stick on Twitter.

Meanwhile over at the Living Room, the head chef is losing the bastard stakes hands down. And he’s been lumbered with street-food merchant Shilena.

Tom’s hungry for more, and on that note it’s back to the warehouse kitchen and Gregg Wallace. Tom looks like someone from movies or TV. It might be that bloke who used to be in Being Human.. No? We’ll get it before the end of the competition.

Aki. You’re crazy. We love you but you’re crazy. In other news Ross is still here, despite being a distinctly average chef.

“The music has reached such a dramatic level that I expect robot chefs to burst in and spark a fight to the death #masterchef” says someone or other on Twitter.

Bone marrow dumpling! What fresh hell is this? That sounds truly awful and a bit like an I’m A Celebrity.. challenge. What next? Spinal Fluid sauce? Cartilage surprise..

They want Emma out. Possibly because she has a sweet tooth. We think she’ll be going here and taking her fellow Haggis-muncher Ross with her..

“@OntheBox Emma has 685 sweet ‘Rotten’ teeth #masterchef” says Aaron Child. Harsh but fair

Shilena looks nervous. Tom could probably just whack his cock on the plate. They’d go mad for it.. As it turns out he’s forgotten an ingredient. The judges look at him like he’s cheated on them.

“Precisely when is the Masterchef voiceover girl going to remember to take her asthma inhaler to work with her? #masterchef” Says MrOmega

Aki through. Cue more crazy facial expressions.

Ross is packing his bags. At least he’ll be able to get a lift with Emma.. They’re both leaving – surely.

Wallace is disappointed with the lack of Bone Marrow flavour. If ever there was a sentence that proved that Wallace likes to eat ANYTHING then this is it.. Bone marrow?!

Emma and her sweet teeth are gone.

They can’t ditch Eamon again!? ‘twould be harsh in the extreme. We’re talking Bambi, Titanic and Notebook levels of sadness.. Let’s face it, he’ll probably be going next week if he does make it..

“Ian Pengelley: “My penis is so small, you must all suffer for it. Cook to please my crippling insecurities, you fucks.” #masterchef” Milkymuffin

..Yet more Coldplay.

They’re both staying in! Japes! That means some other poor bastard will be missing out tomorrow. It also means that Eamon probably would have gone but they bottled it..

There you have it folks. Thanks for your comments, especially Aaron Child! Love and sauteed peas..