MASTERCHEF: Tuesday 17th January, BBC1, 9pm
Preamble: After bizarrely consigning Masterchef to the daytime schedule last time out and putting enough stress on the iPlayer to break the very fabric of the internet in the process, Masterchef is back in its rightful place this evening. And by rightful place, of course we mean rightful time-slot, which is bad news for food-loving students and unemployed people alike. Yet things are slightly different this year and for the last couple of months, Gregg Wallace – and to a lesser extent John Torode – have been tasting the dishes of thousands of hopefuls without listening to any backstory maguffin.. (“If I win it’ll mean so much to my old man – he ate himself to death” – “This is my lucky egg-timer” blah blah blah) ..before shortlisting 24 people for this week’s heats. It almost sounds like the culinary version of The Voice doesn’t it? This doesn’t last for long though and pretty soon we’re introduced to the the first eight contestants, four of whom will be sent home to lament their rubbish stir-fry or whatever. Continues tomorrow and apparently for the rest of recorded time. Join us at 9pm folks..
We’re off! Gregg and John seem to be standing on one of the stalls in Albert Square, and now we think of it that bloke who âthinks he can win itâ? looks a bit like Phil Mitchell. Gregg looks delighted â perhaps heâs thinking about his dinner.
You canât practice an invention test says Gregg. Heâs not wrong. Letâs meet Shilena (??) whoâs given up her job to become a chef. What does Gregg think of her food? He âLoves it, Loves it, Loves it!â? ..From a man who goes misty-eyed over a cold Ginsters, thatâs not saying much.
Gregg loved the food in Mauritius. Quelle SuprisÃ©..
“The new series of Masterchef is post-watershed. That’s because in the first ep, Gregg strips off and motorboats a startled John #masterchef” says Sue Perkins on Twitter. She sounds familiar somehow..
Phil Mitchell is actually called Eamon, who missed out last year. Heâs back. Heâs like a bald middle-aged Amelia Lily..
Yorkshire plasterer Tom is a ânatural chefâ says Gregg, despite the fact that he has no idea what heâs cooking.
“COOKING. DOESN’T. GET. MORE. AIRTIME. THAN THIS.” says brokenbottleboy
Emma is next up, she was taught to cook by her old man and sheâs cooking lemon tart, which is ‘brave’.
On the other side of the Masterchef Warehouse Kitchen is Alec, who has a strange accent. His mum was English so obviously he was brought up on meat cabbage and potatoes. Unlike Emma, who was presumably fed nothing but fried mars bars and Irn Bru by her dad.
Christine next and she tells us that she wants to eat and feed people for the rest of her life. We took the first for granted in all honesty. John then tells us that sheâs mistaken a sole for a plaice.. or possibly the other way around. Itâs been a long day and Iâve been drinking. Anyway not a good start for young Christine.
And representing Japan is Aki! ..Oh right, sheâs as English as binge-drinking and crap summer weather. John says he doesnât want to see her bedroom. Off camera his pants catch fire.
Ross is also from Scotland, heâs cooking a fish. Probably in batter with mushy peas.
Shilena is first up and as we saw sheâs gone for chicken. Not bad (for street food â miaoww!!)
“Aki basically just offered Gregg & John the cheeky bang, should of got involved chaps #Masterchef” says Biggestlew on Twitter. Indeed.
Eamon is pulling out all the stops and it seems to be paying off for him. âWhere were you last year?â Says John.. Heâs definitely Amelia Lily, but then he could be the civilian Phil Vickery. Big, weird ears, skilfull hands, humble manner. Keep your eyes on this one folks.. We reckon heâs through. Shilena could be on thin ice.
Tom has invented a dish. A bold tactic, but heâs only gone and pulled it off. Is Wallace actually cheering food? Meanwhile John has foodgasm. We doubt Tom will be plastering much any time soon. The same canât be said of the judges, who seem to have plastered the inside of their pants.
Emma has played the percentages by giving Gregg a pudding. Unbelievably, itâs not worked out. #out?
Words you donât want to hear from the judges.. âHowever..â? and âBasicâ? ..But will Alecâs faux tears get him through? Greggâs heart isnât made of stone! (Itâs made of pie)
“Someone from the north has cooked a meal! Can you believe it. #Masterchef” says NadiaShireen
Christineâs blown it. But then she didnât even know what she was cooking..
Aki should stay in for her sex faces alone.. Put her through!
And lastly itâs Ross. Heâs cooked a âtasty flatâ? fish. Wallace doesnât like his cheek..
True that Wallace?! TRU THAT!?!?!?!
“@OntheBox ‘you are getting a next time are you?’ Greg then blows off Ross’s head with a sawnoff #masterchef” says AaronChild on Twitter
Someoneâs going home. Get the Snow Patrol CD out..
Eamon, Aki and Johnâs new boyfriend Tom are through. Tomâs out, heâll be crying for weeks. Ross and Shilena are also through, they can both consider themselves very lucky..
Christineâs also out. If I was nasty, Iâd say she looked out of plaice! You see? because she cooked aâ¦ oh nevermind.
Now theyâre off to the professional kitchen. Tom looks calm. We reckon he could give someone salmonella and stay in the competition right now.
Ian Pengelly is talking. Apparently heâs a pretty big deal. He also hates fingerprints..
“@OntheBox I get the feeling you’re at home writing this in your pants?” saysnathanrodgers on Twitter. Lies. We have no clean pants left.
Impending disaster music. People walking into restaurants. Shouting. Aki gets a bollocking. This shit is getting real now.
Ross is getting both barrels from Pengally. He could be skating on thin ice here. Eamon has also blown it. Heâs cost Pengally a couple of customers. You know that if the cameras werenât there heâd flay one of his minions to within an inch of their life.
“I’d like to see this Head Chef hack it in a Harvester, how would he deal with my request for baked beans instead of peas?”
“Is it really necessary to act like a total cock, to be a London chef? It’s only dinner!” says Neilthenoise. Pengally’s getting some stick on Twitter.
Meanwhile over at the Living Room, the head chef is losing the bastard stakes hands down. And heâs been lumbered with street-food merchant Shilena.
Tomâs hungry for more, and on that note itâs back to the warehouse kitchen and Gregg Wallace. Tom looks like someone from movies or TV. It might be that bloke who used to be in Being Human.. No? We’ll get it before the end of the competition.
Aki. Youâre crazy. We love you but youâre crazy. In other news Ross is still here, despite being a distinctly average chef.
“The music has reached such a dramatic level that I expect robot chefs to burst in and spark a fight to the death #masterchef” says someone or other on Twitter.
Bone marrow dumpling! What fresh hell is this? That sounds truly awful and a bit like an Iâm A Celebrity.. challenge. What next? Spinal Fluid sauce? Cartilage surprise..
They want Emma out. Possibly because she has a sweet tooth. We think sheâll be going here and taking her fellow Haggis-muncher Ross with her..
“@OntheBox Emma has 685 sweet ‘Rotten’ teeth #masterchef” says Aaron Child. Harsh but fair
Shilena looks nervous. Tom could probably just whack his cock on the plate. Theyâd go mad for it.. As it turns out heâs forgotten an ingredient. The judges look at him like heâs cheated on them.
“Precisely when is the Masterchef voiceover girl going to remember to take her asthma inhaler to work with her? #masterchef” Says MrOmega
Aki through. Cue more crazy facial expressions.
Ross is packing his bags. At least heâll be able to get a lift with Emma.. Theyâre both leaving – surely.
Wallace is disappointed with the lack of Bone Marrow flavour. If ever there was a sentence that proved that Wallace likes to eat ANYTHING then this is it.. Bone marrow?!
Emma and her sweet teeth are gone.
They canât ditch Eamon again!? âtwould be harsh in the extreme. Weâre talking Bambi, Titanic and Notebook levels of sadness.. Letâs face it, heâll probably be going next week if he does make it..
“Ian Pengelley: “My penis is so small, you must all suffer for it. Cook to please my crippling insecurities, you fucks.” #masterchef” Milkymuffin
..Yet more Coldplay.
Theyâre both staying in! Japes! That means some other poor bastard will be missing out tomorrow. It also means that Eamon probably would have gone but they bottled it..
There you have it folks. Thanks for your comments, especially Aaron Child! Love and sauteed peas..