The Real Housewives of Cheshire

The Real Housewives of Cheshire

If you’re looking for insight into the lives of the ostentatiously rich and peripherally famous, and you find the cast of Made in Chelsea too intellectually stimulating, then you might like to try The Real Housewives of Cheshire. It features a whole host of nearly identical women who share an interest in ‘looking good’ and buying costume jewellery.

The obvious breakout star is Lauren whose observational aphorisms on bourgeois life could have been written by Luis Buñuel on heavy-duty pain medication. She doesn’t speak so much as make barely coherent pronouncements in a tone of voice that suggests that what she’s saying is not only hugely significant but also incredibly profound. For instance, her take on her succubus-like relationship with her husband’s bank account; “our marriage is a game and I have to play the game correctly to get…the diamonds.” On Cheshire itself she says; “I’d put Cheshire on par with Camilla, Prince Charles and…the Queen.” That sounds to me like gibberish, but then maybe I just don’t get Lauren. I don’t understand why she strode down the high street, scowling and clutching a gigantic live bunny rabbit or why she thought flapping around in liquid nitrogen in her pants was a good idea either. Presumably she knows what she’s doing. She went to private school, apparently.

Aside from Lauren’s surrealistic input, the main entertainment comes from Dawn and Magali who have fallen out over matters too tedious to describe involving a boring party in a tent. Magali describes herself as “A bubbly person, very straightforward – but there’s another side to me. You cross me…you don’t want to cross me.” Immediately, Dawn sends her a disproportionately abusive text message about nothing of importance – thereby crossing her and prompting Magali to let loose the hounds of hell. As in she does nothing apart from whine about it for a hundred years and compares sitting at a table with a bunch of other inane housewives to the Romans’ persecution of the early Christians. She’s a tough cookie, that one. MILF on MILF action has never been so pathetic.

Boiled down to the bones; The Real Housewives of Chelsea is an hour long recording of a bunch of women talking about nothing and wandering in and out of shops. It’s brilliant.

The Real Housewives Of Cheshire will be airing on ITVBe on Monday 12th January at 10pm.