Secret Diary Of A Call Girl – Series Finale Review: To Prostitute Or Not To Prostitute?

SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL: Tuesday 22nd March, ITV2, 10pm

The teary finale of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl sees Belle (Billie Piper) finally choose whether she wants Ben (Iddo Goldberg) and a cuppa-and-Corrie existence, or a life of really, really glamourous, non-threatening prostitution with Harry (Paul Nicholls), a ‘tame’ police officer.

Swiftly dealt with is the matter of Stephanie (Cherie Lunghi), Belle’s erstwhile banged-up madame, who’s cleared of solicitation by a Judge who, we are shown, she’s been soliciting, and light bondaging, after hours. Stephanie takes back her daughter, who’s been staying with Belle and attempting to seduce Ben in a variety of embarrassing ways – climbing into bed with him because she’s had a “nightmare”, yadda yadda.

Belle of course wears suspenders, a faux cravat and a see-through jacket to the courtroom, but her fierce styling is quickly overshadowed by the fact that Harry has had a run in with Ben. Harry, for those of you who aren’t up to speed, is the policeman turned client and romancer of Belle, a guy who dangled her off the top of a 12-storey building last week because it’s “who she is”. He wants to take Belle off of Ben’s hands, because, as he constantly reiterates, he thinks she’ll “never be happy” with a guy like Ben. By this we can only assume he means the kind of guy who doesn’t dangle her off  buildings.

The series goes out with a ridiculous flourish from the styling team, who appear to have thrown all rationalism to the wind in favour of trussing Belle up like a fashion-forward poodle. The loose threads pulling the series along – Ben vs. Harry, Belle vs. Hannah – are neatly sewn up, and if you’re a fan you’ll be more than satisfied with the big emotional showdown.

Disregarding the fact it presents selling sex as so glamourous and fun that you’ll be disappointed you can’t take GCSE Prostitution, it’s been a secret weakness of many for four series, and, for all its naffness and porcine acting, it will be missed.