Sex Party Secrets

Il Ballo del Doge Arlecchino

What is a sex party? “Well,” says Sandy – first time orgyist and Sloane extraordinaire, “It’s a party where everyone has sex.” Is there a little more to it than that? Not really. Sex Party Secrets focusses on the apparently new phenomeon of turning up at a stately home, having a complimentary drink, flopping out your genitals and offering them up to whoever wants a grope. It’s swinging with a fine emphasis on posh furniture.

Lots of the participants are sexually enlightened; clearly at ease with their desires, bodies, and boundaries. Some of them are even managing to uphold the whitest unicorn of all sexual relationships – the happy and functioning open marriage. Then there’s Sandy and Poppy. God only knows why they decided to go to a sex party because even they seem confused. The only thing they apparently learned from their experience is that if you give oral sex to a woman your mouth will taste like pussy afterwards – a shock, apparently.

The other party goers are much less irritating when probed on their reasons for going to sex parties. But all of their answers can be summarised as; “There was a point in my life where I wasn’t having that much sex, and it was rubbish because I really like sex, but now I have lots of sex with lots of different people and I like that.” Some of them really string out this answer, often with bizarre consequences. John, a sex party host who constantly appears on the verge of tears, is definitely worth a look. In between gushing about how human beings shouldn’t be embarrassed about their sexuality, he also goes into strange tangents about his previous job (mating fish) and how establishing ambience and playing Barry White is important for both species.

If John has built a successful business model on making fish horny, Chris has a different ethos. Chris filters the people allowed to attend his sex parties so that only the ‘elite’ can attend. The ‘elite’ means ‘people Chris and/or his girlfriend want to have sex with’. Essentially, he’s getting women he wants to have sex with to pay him so that he has sex with them; which is basically genius. At one party he says that he had sex with fourteen of his elite girls so it’s hard to deny he’s getting job satisfaction.

Louise, another sex party host, has a much more egalitarian attitude and people of all ages, shapes and sizes are encouraged to pile in, leading one of her guests to have a mindblowing relevation of his own. “The human race is all kinds of ages. You’re born young, then you get older. That’s life.” I, for one, am glad he had the opportunity to share such a valuable lesson.

On a totally unrelated note, the planet may be overpopulated.

Sex Party Secrets will be broadcast on Channel 4 at 10pm on Thursday 8th of January 2015