The Adult Baby Review: He’s Cot Issues

THE ADULT BABY: Wednesday 3rd August, National Geographic, 9pm

Let’s not pretend this programme is anything other than a freak show. No matter how many prestigiously titled talking heads opine about the underlying psychological issues of those featured there’s no getting away from the fact that their “conditionsâ€? are, well, hilarious. Thankfully, there’s nothing innately wrong with any of them, they simply live their lives in extremely unconventional ways.

Firstly there’s Stanley, who lives as an “Adult Babyâ€?. He wears a nausea-inducing onesie, sleeps in a man-size cot and spends his days scrabbling around on the floor playing with Lego. He’s looked after by an equally deluded – oh wait, one of the talking heads just assured me they’re not deluded. Okay, an equally… No, they are deluded. Anyone who lives over half their adult life wearing a nappy is clearly deluded. I don’t care how many Harvard psychologists say otherwise. So, Stanley lives with a delusional ex-nurse who indulges his fantasies by pretending to be his maternal mother. They both have a lot of spare time which they dedicate to their adult baby themed website. “We have people contacting us saying, ‘I’ve had these feelings for years, what’s wrong with me?’ And I tell them, ‘there’s nothing wrong with you.’,â€? says Stanley’s “momâ€?. Unsurprisingly Stanley’s regression is caused by a traumatic past. We’re told he suffered abuse as a child and his coping mechanism is to live as a baby, in an effort to experience the childhood he’s never had.

Next there’s America’s answer to Psychoville, a woman who likes to pretend her dolls are alive, her extremely realistic looking dolls that is. Not only that, but she also makes and sells her own “rebornâ€? dolls, carefully rooting each individual hair into their dead, lifeless skin. They’re the same type of doll that caused police to break into a car earlier this month because they believed the doll trapped inside a real live human baby – http://t.co/iFTb9tu – Now I’m not saying these dolls are a menace, but – they clearly are a menace. No they’re not a menace. However, we’re told they can draw extremely angry reactions from some due to their astounding realism.

Finally we have Kevin Alderman, or, Stroker Serpentine as he’s known in the online alternative universe of Second Life. By day he’s a mild mannered family man living in sunny Florida, but by night – actually, he’s on it during the day too – he’s Second Life’s biggest porn baron, “A self-proclaimed sex god, a strutting lothario, in a virtual world where some say nothing is taboo.â€? And he’s made quite a living out of it, millions of dollars in fact. In second life he sells all manner of virtual sex toys – his bestseller is an animated sex bed, whatever that is. He also has a virtual wife and daughters, who he “loves very muchâ€?, and has online sex with. We’re assured he’s not breaking any incest laws by doing this – obviously, because it’s entirely online – but come on, it’s not exactly admirable, is it?

Oh, there’s also a cross-dressing kickboxer over in Japan who takes part in what’s known as cosplay (costume play) whereby people dress up as their favourite anime characters. It’s massive in Japan, but doesn’t usually involve cross-dressing. In fact the show could’ve done without this section, compared to everyone else featured he’s entirely normal. The Adult Baby is highly entertaining and more importantly, highly hilarious, it will no doubt be the subject of many a water cooler conversation in the days to come.

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