The thing about The Nine Months that Made Me [Mmmmm]… the thing about The Nine [chomp]… The thing [munch]… Iâm sorry, let me just finish eating this.
Thatâs better. Iâve just been so busy eating packets of deep-fried cigarettes that Iâve barely got time to speak. Since I finished watching Horizonâs The Nine Months That Made You, Iâve not this real hankering to treat my body really appallingly. I just smoked a cake.
But Iâm one of the lucky ones. I have what Professor David Barker describes as a good constitution. “Clearly there are people with good constitutions who live long lives,â? he says. âFor them healthy lifestyles might not matter so much.” Ace! I know I have a good constitution because, according The Barker Theory, there is a sliding scale of constitutional health which can be determined by your birth weight. Little babies have bad constitutions. They will be unhealthy adults. Big babies have good constitutions. They will be the kind of healthy adults who can eschew healthy lifestyles in favour of competitive eating.
If that sounds to you like a simplistically reductive analysis of lifelong health outcomes, then keep it to yourself will you? Since discovering that my baby weight was similar to that of an average Tongan rugby player, I have taken this programme for the hedonistsâ charter it was presumably meant to be. As the voiceover man made clear, by the time we are born our health and our age are already largely determined. So all us parents can stop being so uptight as well.
“Parents have to deal with both sides of it,â? says Janet DiPietro the most terrifyingly irresponsible developmental psychologist in the history of lightweight pseudoscience. âIf your child turns out to be a happy child it’s not your doing. But if your child turns out to be a difficult unhappy child, it’s also not your doing.”
The rest of this âtruly remarkable scientific project,â? is spent shuffling off between India, The Netherlands, The US and Saudi Arabia to effectively tell us that good nutrition during pregnancy leads to healthier people. On the grand scale of scientific breakthrough, it is up there with: keeping your hands out of food blenders will leave you with a fuller complement of fingers.