MI4: Ghost Protocol Trailer Review

So sofa-bothering midget Tom Cruise is back as Ethan Hunt this Christmas (and in need of a haircut) and we’ve cast our eyes over the new trailer to find out what it can teach us..

1. A computer programme which scans the globe and “uploads” satellites at the touch of a button? This has to be a film involving Tom Cruise. (0:11)

2. And here he is sporting a leather jacket, a menacing facial expression, a bad attitude and a camp arm gesture. Cruise and his luscious locks (this year courtesy of Just For Men) are evidently back to do serious damage to someone or something. (0:17)

3. But wait, take that Cruise. The rubber stamp of doom has stripped these undercover agents of their power. Are we talking loose cannons? Ex-government agents with an axe to grind? I sure hope so. Incidentally we make this the 1,257th time that Hunt has been disavowed. He can’t even turn on his phone without it happening..(0:42)

4. Cruise is clearly as horrified as we are by the prospect of a fourth instalment in the exhausted Mission Impossible franchise. (0:48)

5. But the team have lots of important colour co-ordinated suits to wear and far too many sunglasses to try on to hesitate another minute. First stop: a flashy glass fronted building with matching interior decor.(1:00)

6. Quirky king of British comedy and a man who is single-handedly rewriting the Hollywood casting rulebook, Simon Pegg, is making his MI debut. But judging by the trailer he could do with showing a little bit more interest in the whole action-packed affair. (1:21)

7. The cast go all out to keep Pegg interested, first staging an elaborate head-on car collision involving a close friend of the British actor. Can the American secret service not find their own staff? (1:39)

8. Cue more explosions and a rocket, containing Pegg’s pet cat Tiddles, which is then fired unceremoniously into the stratosphere. Paying attention now Pegg, you ungrateful get. (1:54)

9. Woah, now he is seriously riled. Taking aim at Cruise is the best idea he’s had since he ditched that ginger quasi-quiff circa 2001. (2:03)

10. Nobody disrespects the Cruise like that. A furious Tom smashes up his keyboard with his bare fist…perhaps because he has to save the earth from a deadly bomb, perhaps because he hates Pegg or perhaps because yet another reputable source has discredited the teachings of scientology. (2:29)