Orange is the New Black – Season 3

Orange is the New Black 1

Netflix have started to drip-drip trailers and sneak peeks of the new season of Orange is the New Black to whet the appetites of sad-sack, loser fans currently trying to stave off withdrawal symptoms by speed-reading Piper Kerman’s memoirs and taking quizzes on Buzzfeed to find out what inmate they are. (Miss Claudette, if you’re interested, and I’m pissed off about it given that the only thing I have in common with that character is the inability to pull off a convincing Haitian accent).

The big news is that Alex is back in orange and seeking comfort from her former paramour, the sickeningly self-centred Piper, clearly unaware that it’s all her fault that she’s here. “It’s so nice to see you two back together,” croons Lorna. Really, Morello? By this point, you must be the only one who thinks so. And so the scene is set for the continuation of the Piper and Alex psychodrama and all of the betrayal, counter-betrayal, sulking and passive aggression you can shake a stick at. The laws of physics dictate that dysfunction of such epic proportions will inevitably draw in satellites, and so, enter Ruby Rose to complete the love triangle, filling in the vacancy left by dearly departed Larry, bourgeois turd extraordinaire.

Also MIA, is the fantastic Rosa, last seen dispatching Vee before speeding her way to freedom, leaving a trail of traumatised nuns in her wake. Following that particular incident, Vee is also absent but her shadow looms large. Season three sees Poussey and Suzanne still at loggerheads. Poussey is convinced that Vee is dead, circumstances she doesn’t find unfavourable. Suzanne, on the other hand, longs for the return of her arch-manipulator maternal substitute and has managed to convince herself that it will happen against all the odds. (This is a sentiment Nicky fans will sympathise with – Litchfield’s finest is ominously thin on the ground in the previews). How the group will manage to rebuild itself in a post-Vee universe is clearly going to be a running thread throughout the season, which means lots of lovely screen time for Taystee and the gang.

Vee’s absence leaves two vacancies. The first is for prison top dog, a place slid into by default by a triumphant Red. The second is for season psycho. With Pennysatucky reformed both spiritually and dentally, the smart money for the job is new girl, Lolly, previously featured befriending Piper on Con Air before getting beaten in the yard of the Chicago Metropolitan Detention Facility while Piper gazed uselessly on. I see sweet, prolonged and mouth-wateringly cray-cray revenge on the horizon. Bring it on.